*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire”
By Graham Ring
As a celebration of the continued budget deficit, Lewis & Clark will be throwing a St. Patrick’s Day Celebration on March 16. The school will be using money pulled from the bridge reconstruction fund to pay for the numerous events, as well as numerous alumni donations. As a cherry on top, LC will change the official school colors to green and gold for the day.
The Bon will be serving beer on tap to 21+ students with ID. Sixty-four different types of microbrews will be available to the student body, a lower number than anticipated. This is due to the limitation of only buying from local breweries within a five-mile radius.
“I just want everyone to have a good time,” Bon Manager Jyan Rensen said. “We’ve had to import over 50 gallons of green food coloring to dye everything green. We’ll be serving green rice, green chicken, green soy curls and green soup. For anyone allergic to green food dye, steamed broccoli will be available in the Reduced Allergy Zone.”
Campus Safety will spend the day at the reflecting pool, refilling it every 30 minutes with green beer. Administrators will be standing by, ready to ID students before allowing them to jump in, drink and forget about midterms.
“When I heard about the reflecting pool I almost shed a tear of joy.” James Killingham ’19 said. “This year’s been a major bummer for me and my bros. We were looking forward to cracking open a cold one, but when we heard about that beer pool, we cancelled everything. The school cracked one for us.”
“I just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” Alfred Keyholic ’18 said. “We’ve been waiting to see what our tuition money goes towards for years, but this is totally worth it!”
The school sponsored new student orientation course PSI (also known as Pounds per Square Inch) will be giving out free T-Shirts in lower Templeton. These shirts are a solid green with the words “Respect Me, I’m Irish” printed in bold white letters across the chest. Release of these shirts is meant to encourage safe practices on this fun day. Students and staff alike are encouraged to wear the green shirts as a means of “pinch prevention” after hearing threats of mischief and fun from several adjunct staff members.
Out of all the events and special ceremonies going on, the most impressive will be the actual leprechauns hired for landscaping. Instead of the usual rugged workers typically seen pruning trees and mowing lawns, several dozen fleets of leprechauns will be responsible for keeping the campus as green as possible all day. All dead leaves, fallen branches and debris found throughout campus will be immediately dyed green. LC is using the event as an outreach program to impoverished leprechauns who can’t find rainbows.
“It’s truly incredible all the things you can get done once you get a couple hundred of us organized,” LC’s in-house leprechaun advisor said. “It’s upsetting to see so many of us out on the streets nowadays. There’s just not enough rainbows these days. It didn’t used to be like this, you know. I used to have a nice studio downtown. Nowadays, I’m lucky if I can find a good spot in the ravine under the bridge each night.”
Anyone interested should direct their questions directly to Wim Wiewel. If anything urgent arises after usual business hours please direct your calls to 1-800-NEEDWIM. A leprechaun in the Frank Manor House will respond to your call as soon as possible.