Horoscope offers job predictions

In a year full of eclipses and the age-defining Pluto in Aquarius transit, our futures feel more unpredictable than ever. Collectively witnessing the global instability caused by capitalism has destroyed our generation’s will to participate in the workforce, yet we must work in order to survive! On top of that, the recent April 1-25 Mercury retrograde has us feeling like we have been passed the wheel to the world without a license or GPS. Since nobody else seems to have a better idea (Career Center? I hardly know her), if you want to learn your career destination, read this summer job horoscope to set your expectations even lower than they already are! 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Some may tell you that social media management is not a real internship. They are wrong — your boldness will create a promising albeit fledgling career. However, problematic posting may cause trouble at work. Keep it PC.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

For the ever-stubborn Taurus, returning to your regular summer job as a waiter is likely. That creepy line cook will also make a return, and you will learn from your mistakes this time. 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Two summer internships are in your future when your boss finds out that you lied about your Excel knowledge on your resume. Every firing is a new beginning.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

This summer, a mental health break is all you desire. But the planets, sweet Cancer, will not align, as your parents will likely make you get a job as a barista.  Just remember, crying in the walk-in works as therapy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You may experience the feeling of selling your soul as you volunteer for a politician. Try not to ask too many questions if you want a future reference, and remember that THEY are the star, not you. 

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Balance is key as you take summer classes alongside your minimum wage job. You might feel that the grind of capitalism never ends, and it does not! Remember, your worth lies in your productivity, Virgo.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You may struggle to find a job after moving in with your ethically 

non-monogamous long-term roommates. Watch out for losing track of time to indie video games, and DoorDash to support your smoking habits. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your internship will align with your interests as a Psychology major in an unexpected way — shockingly, your manipulative ass will have set everything up perfectly. Make sure your psychoanalysis of your coworkers is not projection. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Congratulations Sagittarius, your parents got you an “internship” in Paris this summer. Your balls-to-the-wall approach to life may resemble a negative stereotype of a wealthy American tourist, but with enough chutzpah, you can bring back leopard print.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You will skillfully balance a retail job and an unpaid internship in finance for the sake of your lackluster resume. You may realize that starting a successful business requires not just hard work along a preset path, but an original idea. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, look out for door-to-door 

environmental campaigning jobs. Your work may disillusion you when you discover the non-profit industrial complex. This is normal, and actually a sign you are on the right track.

Pisces (Feb. 18-Mar. 20)

Sensitive artiste Pisces, unemployment is in your future. Your creative side will compel you to “find yourself,” so watch out for starting projects that you will never complete.