Self-obsessed editors parody own music column

Music is an integral part of the college experience. It can get you excited, take you to another world or just help you relax. Being able to experience so much from the safety of a pair of headphones is a gift, but sometimes you do not have the right song for the right time. There are many situations where a certain song would be perfect just for the right moment. I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of relatively niche songs for you to listen to for various situations:

“No Cock like Horse Cock [Explicit]” by Pepper Coyote

A short, but lively country song with vintage twist about a difficult situation and a man’s insatiable love for “pushing the extremes.” This song is perfect for background noise in cafes, parties or even in classrooms. The passion this song exudes gets listeners motivated to get what they need to do done, pushing their own limits. “The pinnacle of western civilization,” a YouTube comment stated. 

“I’ve No More F*cks To Give” by Thomas Benjamin

A peppy song played on a banjo about one’s acceptance of a situation and merely slipping into an optimistic, apathetic fuge. A song that is perfect for the moment you come out of an exam that you studied so hard for, but you know you failed.

“Two Trucks” by Lemon Demon

A song with a superb tempo about a man’s love of cars (perhaps too much). The steady beat and the theme of masculinity could possibly make this for a good workout song. Especially, ahem, partner workouts. 

“Dumb Ways to Die Theme” by Tangerine Kitty

Another upbeat song about the dangers of various stupid actions created to raise awareness about playing on train tracks. This song is perfect for playing while screwing around on the Corbett House roof, in the flooded Ponderosa basement or eating suspicious Field’s Dining Hall chicken. Unexpectedly though, our readers report that this song does not work well for exploring Tryon — something about fates worse than death.

“Furret Walk – 10 hours” by YouTube user Dalio123 

A cute, lyricless song from the Pokémon games for an endless study session. Headphones not required – your fellow students in Watzek will thank you.

“Wait For It” by Hamilton

While perfect for any occasion, this song shines especially brightly on a soundtrack for lovers. Whether you’re saying no to this (sex) until marriage or awaiting coital completion, Lin Manuel Miranda’s dulcet tones will surely serenade you and your lover(s) as you strive for completion. Much like Hamilton inserted hip-hop into musical theater, you too can thrust towards a Tony (or a Tina) in syncopated 4/4 time.

“Super Massive Black Hole” by Muse

For you Backdoor lovers out there, here is a tune sexy enough to slip into sweet daydreams of America’s favorite pastime. Start with a long day of baseball with sexy, shimmering, Mormon-coded vampires, followed by an even longer night of rawdogging your companions super massive black holes.

“Accidental Racist (feat. LL Cool J)” by Brad Paisley

If you ever feel overwhelmed by the the complexities of race in America, remember that Brad Paisley and LL Cool J tried to solve racism in a six minute song featuring the lines: “If you don’t judge my durag, I won’t judge your red flag” and “I’m a white man livin’ in the southland tryin’ to understand what it’s like not to be.” People much dumber than you have tried (and failed) to solve racism and made millions of dollars, so maybe the world just is not fair and we should just keep doing our best.