Students sabotage innocent campus initiative with subliminal queer, kinky messaging: an experts guide
I cannot overstate how much I have enjoyed my new green takeout container. Beyond the clear environmental benefits of reducing usage of disposable plates and bowls, it allowed me to easily bring my meals to my room when I was recovering from COVID-19. The response from the student body has been overwhelmingly positive, and it looked like that would be the end of things for now.
Yet, no sooner had the green containers been deployed did I notice a change in the attire of the student body. The already sartorially-adventurous student body had a new accessory. Golden carabiners, the token which can be exchanged for a fresh container when one does not want to carry something that big around, were appearing all over my classmates’ persons — hooked to belt loops, through gauged ears, even attached to crocs.
I, your ever-curious boy reporter, quickly determined that the carabiners had been refashioned into a fascinatingly specific flagging scheme. Flagging is a practice originating in the cruising subculture of the queer community, in which one indicates a sexual preference through some attire choice – such as a hanky, ring or carabiner.
So if you have been wondering exactly what it means when you see a peer with a carabiner attached to their croc, or if you, like me, have been wondering how to subtly indicate that you want to get railed within an inch of your life, wonder no longer! Direct from our community, I have the guide for you.
Left front belt loop: top/dominant
Right front belt loop: bottom/submissive
Back middle belt loop: verse/switch — Note: these terms are not used interchangeably by all. If you see someone with multiple, seemingly-contradictory carabiners, fear not! Or, depending on what you are into, maybe do a little.
Attached to collar: into puppy play — Note: Wow, good for you. The recent repeal of the campus leash policy must have hit you hard.
Through left ear: degrader
Through right ear: degradee or trying to get picked up by a goth — Note: sources disagreed on true meaning, however, as more sources claimed it represented being degraded, I chose to list degradee first. May in fact be more interchangeable than top/bottom and dom/sub.
Attached prominently to car keys: lives off campus, “Does not really eat in the Bon,” “Yeah, I just spend a lot of time going to little cafés,” “What do you mean you do not get off campus much? Hahaha!” Obnoxious, superior upperclassmen.
On LC “Copeland Hall” lanyard: freshman, Copeland Hall resident, likely heterosexual … for now.
Deep, deep, in pocket: closeted and/or has not yet visited www.bdsmtest.org
Two carabiners, one belt loop: polyamorous and in existing relationship, but open to new relationships
Two carabiners, clipped together, making a chain: in existing relationship, seeking third
Held in hot, grubby hand: no sexual/romantic signal, using carabiner for intended purpose — Note: when I approached these people and asked about their sexual proclivities, they reacted with affront and displeasure. I do not recommend talking to them.
Clipped onto left side of actual waistband of sweatbands/leggings: prep seeking jock
Clipped onto right side of actual waistband of sweatbands/leggings: jock seeking prep
Hooked through holes on right croc: ageplayer, seeking daddy/mommy
Hooked through holes on the left croc: into watersports — Note: not sure why this is so different from the RIGHT croc, but my sources were insistent here. Be careful!