Gift advice for every type of “relationship”

Valentine’s Day can be a very troubling time, whether you are single, taken, or have done the unfortunate math for your mid-November birthday. As dating, hookups and flirtationships start to pile up, collegiate love life makes things even messier. Here is a guide on what to do for all your Valentines, from your dear editor gone wild.

Couple-dates-in cutie

Sure, you have gone on a couple dates, maybe out for one nice dinner and shared a couple of smooches. It is still pretty casual, so your V-Day plans should be too. Flowers, a card and some ass eating seem appropriate – just make sure your dinner is high fiber.

Friend who gifted you a vibrator once

It was your friends’ holiday gift exchange in 2019. The friend you grew quickly attached to within the first week of college was the one who pulled your name. Did you have a crush on them? Inconclusive. Might you still have a crush on them? Unknown. However, they have indirectly given you many orgasms, and for that they deserve a great gift. Options include a massage gift card, finally making a first move and a box of those “forever” roses that will outlive your vibrator battery. After all, you will probably be a little in love with them forever, no matter what you admit to yourself.

Long term partner

At this point, if you are looking for advice from me, you may need to reassess. You are bad at relationships. Break up with your partner: It is the best gift you could give them.

Cishet man who claims you

Imagine this common scenario in the cisgender heterosexual dating world. A pair connect gazes twice, the man buys the girl a drink and they have the world’s most boring conversation while checking each other out; at this point they are basically in a relationship. Please note: There is no actual commitment required, just obligatory heterosexual coupling when boy meets girl. Of course, this disproportionately applies to the women, as they have been “claimed” and must not tarnish the monogamous ritual by speaking to another man. If this seems relatable: run. That man does not deserve a gift from you. Instead, get yourself a CBD gummy, a “dump him” t-shirt and one therapy session, minimum.

Kinky T4T FWB 

I know I am the one with authority here, seeing as this is a published piece of work. However, I need some help with this one. Does The Cure’s “Greatest Hits” on vinyl seem appropriate? Asking for a friend. Also, if you were wondering – I will not explain what T4T means. You either understand the bliss of BDSM with a fellow sexy trans person who you also share genuine interests and friendship with, or you do not.

Former Gay Lover

In this case, “former” refers both to the gayness and lover status. In the queer dating world, it is unnervingly common to suck the gay out of one of your partners. They go into the relationship queer, come out of it suddenly realizing their mom was right the whole time and they are straight. We have all had it happen. In this situation, the best course of action is to send condoms and flowers with a vague, gay message. After all, their lost gayness only made you stronger, and they deserve recognition for their sacrifice.

Me

You have been secretly in love with me and/or ridiculously attracted to me during your whole tenure at Lewis & Clark. This is my last semester, it is your time. Be not afraid; I am in a polyamorous relationship, but I will still bite. If you decide to attempt to woo me, I am very easy (and also straightforward to get gifts for): Taco Bell, real human teeth and a gin cocktail will do it. Another fail-proof method is Venmo (@venusedlin).