They do Christmas in July, right? So why can’t I do March Madness in September?
Every day, I see skinny, spandex-adorned boys arrive at school on their bikes that cost more than any car my parents have ever owned. Every day, I see freshmen with lime-green stripes in their hair and fashion ripped directly from a TWICE concert sneak off to the borders of campus so they can smoke their cigarettes bought by their 27-year-old Tinder matches who are absolutely not grooming them. Every day, I see people who are from Colorado.
Lewis & Clark’s student body is comprised of a diverse variety of genres of student, united by their appreciation of the Pacific Northwest and the fact that they were not that cool in high school. But what group among them reigns supreme? With no Greek life on campus to let us know who is objectively better than everyone else, I was forced to turn to the next best thing; a poll on my Twitter (which is in no way associated with The Mossy Log, but is hilarious and deserving of a follow). I constructed a non-exhaustive bracket of what I consider to be 16 of the most prominent types of student on campus, and let my followers vote on which they believe to be the ultimate among them. I provided no criteria by which to vote; this was not “what type of student is coolest” or “what type of student do you think most exemplifies LC.” This was simply LC Madness.
Many of these categories are gendered or tied to race in some way, but this does not mean someone must fit every criteria of a category to belong to it. It is about vibes. For example, a sauced-out white boy need not be white, nor a boy. A straight bisexual need not be straight. A regular bisexual can be a straight bisexual, given they convey the correct vibes.
Sauced-out white boy
Listens to Lucki. Wardrobe consists mainly of oversized T-shirts, many of them sourced from Grailed. Owned a skateboard at some point in their life. Thought they might be bisexual, turns out they were just into goth girls.
Unhinged baseball boy
LC student-athletes are a lot of things: driven, passionate, and just a little insane. It’s a necessity for a D3 athlete. Putting in all the hard work and receiving none of the glory, it’s not a life everyone can handle. The few, the proud, the slightly unwell; the LC student-athletes.
Queerbaits just by being alive.
Not necessarily from Colorado. It is a mindset.
Rich parents alt kid
Part of the reason a T-shirt from Goodwill costs $15 now. Their father makes $250,000 a year doing something that technically counts as a war crime, but they will ask you to Venmo them $0.50 for that bite you took of their sandwich.
NB poly theater gay
Nonbinary, polyamorous, gay and very involved in extracurriculars.
NB poly ketamine gay
Nonbinary, polyamorous, gay and very involved in doing drugs.
Resident Advisor who is a little weird
So basically every RA.
Guy who will transfer to a state school one semester in
That friend you had for three weeks in the September of your freshman year before they realized they would rather go to a school attended by more than 12 people. You still follow them on Instagram. They look like they are doing pretty well.
College Outdoors leader
An unnerving presence. They have lifeless eyes. Black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When they come after you, they do not seem to be living until they invite you to come on a trip with them to forage for mushrooms in the Cascades, and then those black eyes roll over white.
Omnipresent. Every sentence they say is parroted from whatever TikTok is going viral right now. 16 hours of screen time a day. Self diagnosed with ADHD. Broad overlap with rich parents alt kid. Considers their style to be “fairycore.”
Girl who is a little too into Watzek Library
Wants to be buried under the circle tables when they die. Has never actually checked out a book. Bereal fiend.
Cis guy who wears nail polish to pull she/theys
The unholy lovechild of sauced out white boy and TikTok freshman. Creates thirst traps. Cool with lesbians, uncomfortable around gay men. High school pill addiction killed whatever light he had left behind his eyes. If he does eventually snag a she/they, you will never hear him use the “they.” Avoid.
Is in more than one band
And none of them are very good.
Girl who is really into crocheting
Backbone of LC bartering system. Got into it over lockdown and stuck with it. Has an Instagram for their creations. You can buy a sweater from them for $90. The stripes are uneven on purpose, promise.
Femme who posts toilet selfies
This one is self explanatory.
In the end, girl who is a little too into Watzek swept the bracket, to the surprise of absolutely no one. It seems that a significant chunk of my 70-odd Twitter followers identify as girls who are a little too into Watzek, and, perhaps excited at receiving the representation they are systematically denied, sprung into action to propel their category to the top, demolishing anyone unfortunate enough to come into competition with them. But in the end, I think we are all winners (but especially me, as I was able to parlay a Twitter poll I created in 15 minutes into $21 worth of content. Roll Pios!).
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