Illustration by Aida Irving

Thank god! High school crush finally gross enough to get over

Rejoice! New intel from Instagram has shown that former high school crush and D-average student, Chad Brosley, is finally repugnant enough to turn off Instagram notifications for. His new haircut, described by experts as a combination mohawk-fro-rat tail, hit Instagram last Thursday and has his high school graduating class in an uproar. 

“Chad was like, a nine out of 10, at least,” a former classmate of Brosley’s, who wishes to remain anonymous, said. “He was not even a snack. He was a meal. But now he is, like, moldy leftovers at best.” 

The haircut comes on the heels of last month’s discovery that Brosley, as a 19th birthday present to himself, got a large (although not altogether untasteful) tattoo of Brian Griffin from Family Guy jumping across the Grand Canyon on a razor scooter, all the while taking a sick hit off a bong while several American flags flew in the background spanning the entire front of his torso. 

The new haircut was posted to his public Instagram, @xxx_420ultraballer_xxx, where Brosley often posts short videos of himself doing vape tricks, odes to Monster energy drinks, Eminem song lyrics and tributes to the late XXXTentacion. Brosley has been officially downgraded from “crush” to “person you text after you have had a few drinks and are feeling sad at 3 a.m.”

“I do not know what you guys are talking about,” Daniel Crudgemeister, an aspiring Soundcloud rapper and Brosley’s best friend since grade 4, said. “Chad (Brosley) is sicker than ever. Like, the other day we were playing beer pong with some girls from downtown and Chad was losing, so you know what he did? He freaking flipped the whole table over. This one chick got totally covered in beer. It was awesome. Chad is cool. Hey, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah? Ok, well, whatever. You are not even that cute anyway.”

If all of this was not enough, last week Brosley announced via Facebook that he is quitting his job at his father’s electrical company in attempts to “find himself” by devoting himself full-time to his Youtube channel. 

The channel, which currently boasts 74 subscribers, features mostly videos of Brosley himself attempting to prank female strangers and fast food workers, with limited success, as well as a few clips of him “dominating” at Fortnite. 

He is also known for his assertions on Facebook that “rap is like a mountain” and the time he broke the hip of an elderly Ms. Reynolds while attempting to do a kickflip on a longboard.

Brosley, who is currently in court for attempted theft of a McDonald’s ice cream machine, was unable to comment.                  

This development has allowed me to devote myself completely to Tristan McMackleburry, a sophomore in my Philosophy 101 class who looks vaguely like Timothee Chalomet, only wears thrifted clothing and is like, really into nihilism, Kafka, slam poetry, socialism and conscious rap. He is really cool. I mean, he wears nail polish.

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