*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor
By Cassidy Harris
As a whole new class of Doc Marten-clad teens excitedly start their senior year at high schools around the country, many of them lay awake at night haunted by one question: What if I don’t get in to Lewis & Clark College? As a newly admitted freshman, I can offer any prospie some foolproof ways to secure that acceptance letter.
1) Be Different
You may be thinking: “What sets me apart from the rest?” To that I say: Nothing. You are about as interesting as a saltine cracker. But if you really think that your knack for playing “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz on the ukulele is actually interesting, put that on your application! Admissions officers would also love to hear about your one-of-a-kind extracurricular interests, like how you love to hike and give your friends quirky stick-and-poke tattoos, or go to concerts of really low-key artists that most people definitely don’t know about and where everyone smells like cigarettes and wears checkered vans.
2) Describe Overcoming Adversity
In your admissions essays, make sure you tell the college that your journey has not been easy, but that you’re resilient. Maybe both of your parents and your grandparents went to Yale for economics and pressured you to become a legacy, but maybe your parents’ goals aren’t your goals. Maybe you want to major in theatre and be a Broadway performer who works their way from the bottom up at a low-key college in Oregon and becomes a celebrity with a humble origin story. But of course, your parents don’t support your dreams (even though they’re paying your full tuition). Tough stuff, right?
3) Build That Resume
Make sure you include work and volunteer history on your application. Your volunteer work doesn’t have to be crazy, but just enough to prove to admissions officers you are compassionate and a team-player. One of my friends took a quick and easy trip to sub-Saharan Africa to help underprivileged children affected by AIDS for a few months, which was just okay. And as for that job hunt, just ask your parents! Father will surely score you an internship at Goldman Sachs, where you can make black coffee for angry old men in blue double-breasted suits. If that doesn’t catch admissions’ attention, I don’t know what will!
4) Have Someone in Your Family Donate a Ton of Money to the School
Above all others, this is really the way to guarantee your acceptance. Personally, I just had my Grandpa’s uncle, the inventor of Pop Tarts, donate $6.4 million and mention my name and interest in attending the college. As an added perk: the college may even build a new building with your last name on it!
Good luck with the admissions process! And remember, if you get rejected by LC, there’s always Yale.
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