Letter from the editor(s): Fresh start for Mossy Log under new leadership

Photoshopped communist dictator propoganda poster
By Rosalie Zuckermann

Dear LC Community,

We are writing to humbly impart our intentions for the upcoming editorial term. As Editor-in-Chief-elect (EICE) and Managing Editor-elect (MEE), we hope to foster teamwork, accountability and conformity. As such, we have decided to follow in the dainty footsteps of our presidential foremothers and come out as total fucking fascists. #pussy. 

We noticed a need for more team bonding — to become one unto the state, we must forswear our divides and break that ice. In accordance with this we have decided to standardize a hazing ritual for all existing and incoming Mossy Log staff. In the interest of diversity and accommodations, we are offering our editors two options to demonstrate their commitment to our editorial team at the beginning of the year. 

New additions may split-dye their hair in LC colors or let our Arts editors give them a shitty stick-and-poke tramp stamp of the chocolate bunny on shrooms from last issue’s Backdoor. All editors must join us in taking one tab of acid or three grams of shrooms at our first meeting critiquing the layout and content of past issues, in order to develop a thorough and nuanced understanding of our newspaper’s untainted history.

We are also instating a dress code during editorial meetings, layout and distribution, in hopes of presenting a unified front to the student body. What would an authoritarian state be without an identifiable uniform? To prove one’s devotion to our regime, an outfit totaling no less than $120 worth of Dollskill merchandise (Demonias excluded) must be purchased and worn at all distribution events and public rallies. Alternative outfits may be purchased and worn, unwashed, from the Bins.

We will be instituting new guidelines for conduct at our biweekly layout nights, as follows:

Editors may not take cigarette smoke breaks until after their first print, but will be permitted to hit bongs out the office window if they bring enough to share. 

Editors must remain in business casual attire until midnight, at which time pajamas will be permitted. After 4 a.m., only underwear is required. Any editor who does not wish to observe the Mossy Log dress code may comply with the LC nudity policy so long as they use a page from the Sports section as a buffer between office seats and their nether regions.

Each editor is allotted two bathroom breaks during layout. We have created and laminated a hall pass and instated a buddy system. All editors are encouraged to report on their comrades who abuse bathroom, stretch, smoke or cartwheel breaks.

Editors who do not comply with the rules as outlined will be forced to write an Opinion piece in defense of keeping the school’s name and mascot.

Additionally, in lieu of an HR scuffle, we as the EICE and MEE have decided to assess inter-editor relations on a case-by-case basis. We kindly and firmly request that in-office orgies are limited to no more than four editors at a time. We would also like to note that security cameras have been installed to ensure our couch is properly wiped down after sexual intercourse.

We would like to inform our contributors of a few new updates:

We are now requiring all Opinion section contributors to submit proof of having taken a persuasive writing class. They will also be expected to change any and all opinions that the Mossy Log editorial board do not personally share. Strength in unity. 

Additionally, Opinion articles about the Bon are no longer permitted, under pain of death.

We have updated our Mossy Log style guide to clarify proper formatting of YikYak quotes. Please adjust your writing accordingly.

Contributors who do not meet deadlines for articles without having requested permission beforehand will be subject to a recreational public flogging at the hands of our Supreme Leader.

There has been a lot of confusion over The Mossy Log’s funding this year. We want you all to know that we are vehemently committed to protecting and advocating for our budget, because we are so fucking tired of Domino’s pizza for every layout dinner. We implore all students to pay the Student Media Fee, which will hopefully be increased sufficiently so that we can improve the quality of our student organization. If it is not raised, we will broaden the scope of our regime via military coup. Any deposed leaders will be given a relocation stipend to ease their transition into political exile at Lewis-Clark State College (you know, the one in Idaho).

We also understand that there is a need for transparency surrounding our budget, and while we do not HAVE to answer to you, we will make clear our intentions for this publication’s fiscal management. We will be investing our newly increased budget in an industrial strength espresso machine for our office, a functioning printer and a tasteful amount of coke for the senior leadership team. We are exploring the option of editorial outreach training to Reed’s student paper, The Quest (eat shit), as a charity write-off. We will possibly increase stipends for our broke-ass editors and contributors, if there is money left over.

We are so excited for the upcoming semester, and look forward to standardizing The Mossy Log’s practices and assimilating next year’s editors into our regime. We thank you in advance for your unyielding support and compliance. Our rules and regulations will no doubt be a success. God bless The Mossy Log, long may she reign.

In solidarity,

Emma Ambroziak (EICE) and Olivia Fendrich (MEE)

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