Spring Break souvenirs to dig out of one’s bag for friends, liked ones

Illustration of two grey bunnies with x-ed out eyes
By J Frank

Hey Pios! I hope you enjoyed your Spring Break, though I would imagine the stress of upcoming finals was looming. I also hope some of you brought back some cool souvenirs you found on your travels. If you failed to, that is okay! You could always try again next Spring Break or grab some stuff this weekend and pretend your bag got lost so it “only just got here, man!” In this case, I will lay out a list of the best stuff to entertain yourself, share with your friends or prank your shitty exes with to distract from what lies ahead. 

1) Fake Taxidermied bunnies:

As Easter happened during Spring Break, some festive items you should bring back are the fake taxidermied bunnies you found at a charmingly podunk roadkill shop. You can give this to that annoyingly militant vegan girl next door to you — we know you have one. To do this, leave the fake bunnies by her door and make sure you do not indicate that you gave them to her (though she might know it was you if you have been a jerk about soy curls in front of her). If she ends up finding out it was you, tell her that they were fake. Vegans have a great sense of humor!

2) Ugly clothes

There is seldom a Christmas or birthday without hideous clothes given to you by your extended relatives. The beauty of being in college is that you can collect the most hideous clothes from the back of your closet and bring them to school so they can find new wearers. Whether it is that grotesque flower and bumblebee printed sweater your grandma gave you last Christmas or the dick-printed t-shirt you got tired of wearing, give them the chance to find someone who will cherish them. Remember to tell them you thrifted it just for them. 

3) Sex toys

These would be dedicated to that couple in your residence that enjoys fucking in the common room, much to your disgust or possible entertainment. As finals approach, offer them the abundant sex toys you found in your house’s basement to let them perform their most hedonistic sexual acts, whether it is through private BDSM play or hosting orgies in the resident hall’s laundry room to avoid trouble. Hopefully, they do not go crazy for too long…

4) Alcohol

As the school year is coming to a close, what is a better way to celebrate this than with the Devil’s juice? Go somewhere nearby school and “legally” buy cheap vodka or a twelve-pack of fruity hard seltzer. Afterwards, get the party started! Tell people you got it in a country where the drinking age is 18, because OTHER countries know adults should get to drink!

5) A Jar of Dirt

Yes. Literally just a jar of dirt. Forgetting the possibly problematic movie reference, sling some soil into the first receptacle you can find. Present it to the friend who has it all, make a vague statement about pushing back against rampant consumerism and tell them exactly where on the globe you got it as a very special memory for them about YOUR trip to Salem or Fresno or wherever you were able to drive to.


Before fretting over finals, bring some crazy shit from your hometown or somewhere off campus to soothe yourself or share with others. Whether you bring fake taxidermy to jumpscare hardcore vegans, hideous clothes, sex toys for horny folks to enjoy, alcohol or a jar of simple dirt make the last month your best! Hopefully you pass your finals!

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