Profs Gone Wild: Faculty on break push limits of tenure

Illustration of signs with pro-Trump messages, and trash on ground
By Rosalie Zuckermann

Naturally, everybody has their own Spring Break memories on their minds; the places they visited, the people they banged and the fruity cocktails they so classily sipped (chugged). But nobody is asking the important questions: What did our beloved professors do with their Spring Breaks? 

The Backdoor is going TMZ, bitches! We got exclusive info from students who saw them over vacation to get those answers for you. From affairs to property crimes, we have the dirt. Feel free to send your blind items to us on Instagram!

The Drama-turd: Your least favorite, problematic English Professor was spotted at a Portland pub going on a drunken rant about why he hates minorities, and how blackface is “acceptable in theatre.” Uh oh! The video of his speech is circulating on the Lewis & Clark YikYak – try to catch it before his lawyer does!

Work-Study: A certain Physics professor visited the local glory holes — this information was provided by a student worker, who claimed they recognized his grunts through the wall. He has since issued a public apology, stating in his defense “All I could see was the hole!” That said, what are the chances?

Breaking Bad: Surprising no one, the Chemistry department’s meth lab under Olin got busted over the weekend right before we all came back. The smell blended in enough amongst the many other drug-adjacent scents here on campus, but it was bound to happen sometime. Word has it Reed’s competing drug ring tipped off the police. OUR word is that “Breaking Bad” pastiches were SO a decade ago. Grow up and deal heroin like a real Pacific Northwesterner.

Fallin’ All Over Himself: Speaking of sexual hijinx, a well-hated music teacher slipped and fell inside of a woman who was NOT his wife. Oops! The scoop is that we know it was another LC professor, but we are not quite sure who…

T-P and Pee-Pee: RHMS did not escape the drama for once — one professor, a favorite amongst students, was seen TPing Watzek. What an interesting commentary on media literacy! She then proceeded to piss on the entryway in triumph before engaging in a high-speed foot chase with CamPo.

Champagne Problems: Yet another problematic English professor (interesting correlation here; someone should really look into that) spent his Wednesday downtown waving hundred-dollar bills in the faces of Portland’s homeless population. Funny, who would have guessed professors made enough to be classist about it?

Bender-Schnitzel: We caught wind that a German professor gambled the majority of her salary away before going on an anxiety-induced bender, relapsing and destroying her streak of one month without using shrooms, of all things. Only at LC. 

Crossing the Aisle: A well-loved Poli Sci professor was spotted among a group of increasingly violent protestors holding signs and screaming “Women For Trump!” Her return to campus was not what she expected it to be, to say the least. On her, we suppose — everyone knows the Poli Sci department is a one-party party.

Coach Better Have My Money: Lastly, a staff member from the Athletics department was playing Ultimate Frisbee when one of his tosses went awry and buried itself in the soft skull of a toddler, who was hospitalized soon after. The toddler is fine, but the staff member’s wallet is not. 

In other news, we hear the president had a very relaxing, drama-free week with her family! Congratulations Dr. Sparrow Houses-Gilbert, you know that we at The Backdoor love you!

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