Easter Bunny sparks mass psilocybin trip

Illustration of chocolate Easter Bunny with multicolored mushrooms
By Emma Ford

Over Easter weekend, an incident was recorded involving the Lewis & Clark campus falling into temporary disrepair and chaos. Despite being a creature previously known only in children’s stories, the Easter Bunny saw fit to visit campus, distributing treats for the college students. 

However, unbeknownst to everyone about to consume them, these mystery chocolate eggs were anything but normal. 

Even with the institutional familiarity that LC students have with recreational substances, not one recognized the taste of shrooms in the chocolate before everything had been consumed. The majority of the chocolates were consumed when students picked them up off the ground, hidden in loose bricks or from wherever else they had been hidden, suggesting that those who consumed the chocolates had decided they were not going to think things through. 

As a result of the shroom-laced chocolate, campus was quickly overrun with students on an acutely intense high, and the resulting shenanigans were uniquely LC. 

In the first-ever instance of an LC student enjoying Bon food, a student was rescued after spending 12 hours curled in a booth in Fields Dining Hall as a result of munchies from the shroom-laced chocolate. Authorities had to remove the student from the Bon after they began to scream about the unreliability of Bon bagels after 6:30 p.m. on any given day of the week.  

Additional reports indicate that a member of the Entrepreneurship program kidnapped a Computer Science major and took them to the top of the water tower, all the while imitating the harmonious soundtrack of “King Kong.” The campus robotics team constructed a Godzilla-like contraption in order to combat this, and a local improv troupe has announced auditions for the role of Mario Mario. Further developments will be covered in Issue 6 in two weeks. Stay tuned.

Multiple students have reported the recreation of the popular Disney film “Toy Story,” claiming that their stuffed animals have begun speaking to them. Mossy Log reporters have been unable to verify these events. Unrelated, many of the reporters are currently face down on the front lawn. This in no way should reflect on the quality of LC’s journalism. 

Furthermore, three students have been found passed out at the Gazebo. This is nothing unusual, and no evidence has been found that links the cause to the drug bunnies. 

Several students on campus have reported the gathering of human sacrifices in preparation for the upcoming solstice. The students gathered appear to have been freshmen underperforming in their classes, particularly users of AI-generated content in Words classes. 

The location of the Theatre majors is unclear, though reports indicate they may be roaming the forest for reasons unknown. If you see one, do not approach. Currently, we are operating under the assumption that they are following the rules of the fae. Do not give them your name, do not eat anything they offer you and be polite. If you do not, God help you, because we will not. 

What is more, the statue of the Newfoundland mascot, Pio, previously located in front of Pamplin Gym, has gone missing in a heist by the Crew Team. In seeming agreement, although with no words being spoken, their boat was abandoned in the school pool in favor of larcenous pursuits. Though poorly planned, the heist was successful and the Newfoundland statue remains unfound despite mass efforts.

An alliance of vegan students appear to be the only ones who have escaped the epidemic of shroom-laced chocolate. They did not eat any of the chocolate, since it contained dairy. As a result of their personal moral crusades, they appear to be the only sober students left on campus. Currently, they have all barricaded themselves in a quad  in Copeland using tofu bricks. We can hardly blame them.

The Easter Bunny fled campus before  the culprit could be found. It is unclear exactly why Campus Safety allowed the Easter Bunny to escape, let alone why they did not stop a large, semi-humanoid rabbit wandering campus without a parking permit. 

In the wake of the chaos on campus, calls to ban the Easter Bunny from future events on campus, as well as to hire sniffer dogs to check all sweets, which has been more controversial.

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