Say farewell to fish pics: Sluts, start swiping on new Pio-only dating app

Illustration of the mascot in pink with a letter in his mouth.
By Rose Bialk

This Valentine’s Day, our beloved college administration rolled out a new program even better than the CSC Pay Mobile App: Pios4Pios Dating. In response to mounting complaints of STD-ridden study dates and Frisbee party hookups ending in tears, Lewis & Clark took the initiative to compile all the worst features from Hinge, Bumble and, yes, the nastiest little gremlin of all, Tinder, into one app that does it all (including you). Pios4Pios offers an immersive matching experience guaranteed to be almost as satisfying as sex with that mulleted guy who thought the clitoris was a new Apple product. 

But before you embark on your own experimentation — the internet is a dangerous place — I am here with my always exceptional and never regrettable taste to share some hands-on, clothes-off reviews. Since the app’s soft launch three weeks ago, I have braved three quite Pionerous dates and I must admit: I am a changed woman. 

I also have a new understanding of the phrase “soft launch.”

Firstly, how do you find a date? Many steps must be undertaken beforehand, and I am not just talking about leg-shaving: profile creation, swiping, matching and God forbid the actual human interaction (barely) of messaging. Luckily, Pios4Pios eliminates the need to add your own photos! It pulls data from the cloud to upload all the stalker photos your friends took of you walking to class for a much more realistic, “in the wild” approach to profiles. Sorry, fish-toting boys. Lug that smallmouth bass to Spanish class if you want to seduce chicks with your piscine prowess. 

As for a bio, they have that taken care of too, because who in our generation can be expected to make a decision without a little treat afterward? The most frequently generated adjectives in your Spotify Daylists are pulled by an algorithm to create a catchy slogan like, “hopeless air guitar scream-cry coming-of-age softcore.” Alluring, right? So much better than a quote from The Office, or even the classic, “The last time I was someone’s type, they were taking my blood.” We know, Doug. You need not remind us.

When it comes to messaging, however, you are more on your own than when your mom booted you off the family Netflix subscription. Luckily, due to recent pushes from anarchists, Pios4Pios has opted for a freedom that other apps restrict: photo exchange. Now you can receive enough unsolicited dick pics to compile a black market Playgirl issue. 

So, with these hoops jumped through, it was time for me to get out there and gather some sociological data — a.k.a. listening to a man who can almost pull off a leather jacket spend an hour telling me how he rebuilt the engine of his Ford Escape “with his bare hands.” And, yes, for a hundred points you have guessed it! My first Pios4Pios date was with the one, the only, the mechanical hero: Revv Enjin. Oh, I would have sworn that goatee was slicked with motor oil…

Enjin took me for a ride in his big-boy collage, or as he insisted, his ~renovated automobile~ shortly before a jaunt to the fine dining of BurgerVille where he graciously offered to split the ten dollar tab. All in all, not too bad a way to lose my Pioginity, though I must say: Parking lot makeouts are much better when not peppered with the cringe-inducing phrases “for real for real” and “100%.”

My next date was with someone named Oregano. What else is there to say? Actually, far too much. After a weeklong evaluation of our star sign compatibility, they/he invited me to have a drink at their commune. Yet when I arrived in my best pair of overalls, I had the rude awakening that “a drink,” apparently, no longer means alcohol — or even milk! — but a mason jar full of probiotic goo. Mmm, the fermentation makes me shiver. 

We did grounding practices together by snuggling in a field, but soon we were interrupted by a “friend” of theirs who was under the impression we were about to have a threesome right there on the composted soil. Not quite the kind of dirty I was looking for.

My final excursion was just yesterday, and I am still recovering. The culprit? A 35 year old who looked much younger in his photos and had a quirky little hobby of lying! He took me to a county fair to see how I would interact with all the children to suss out my mothering skills ahead of time. Sorry pal, uterus? I hardly know us. 

Yet again, I escaped a date with A STRANGER I MET ONLINE without getting murdered! You would be so proud of me, Dad. Well, maybe. Nevertheless, after my dabbling in the hottest new dating scene, I can confidently attest that Pios4Pios is the app of the year. Do not get your hopes up for common interests, compatible values or even — do I dare jinx it? — an actual orgasm, but you will surely find some excellent material for a debut in stand up comedy or at the very least, a rousing game of two truths and a lie.

Get out there, Pios, and live this V-Day to the fullest extent of the term. And as for you happily coupled assholes who hold hands on the way to class, go to the Cheesecake Factory and have some mediocre missionary afterwards. As is your right.

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