“Fuck it – Spring 2024 canceled” says admin

This month, stormy conditions led to much of greater Portland experiencing shutdowns due to icy roads and walkways. The ice has melted, but temperatures have since stubbornly remained in the mid- to high 40s.

Out of an abundance of caution and concern for the ability of Californian faculty, staff and students to safely fend off Seasonal Affective Disorder, all three campuses will be closed for the Spring 2024 semester.

Reactions to the news throughout campus have been mixed. Many people expressed disappointment at the closure, though a few were thrilled at the opportunity for a spring hammock hibernation. Seeing as The Mossy Log, regardless of weather, continues to skate on thin ice with the administration, we took the hint and will focus on the myriad positive comments we collected.

For students, concerns were less about the weather and more surrounding breakdowns of carefully curated idiosyncrasies the extreme conditions exposed. The Student Counseling Center has been inundated with requests for emergency help, but has no appointments available until Fall of 2027 anyway. 

“On day three confined to my overflow triple, my faculties were compromised. I accidentally let slip that I love Ed Sheeran, even though I swore my artist of the year was Elliot Smith,” confessed a freshman with faded purple hair. “It’s not safe for me here.” 

Other students see the closure as a welcome escape from somewhat frosty neighbors. At this point, we wish to remind our readers that Campus Living has no legal liability for your poor dating choices and their inevitable consequences.

“Honestly, I’m pretty glad about the closure,” said one sophomore student who wished to remain anonymous. “During the snowstorm, I ran into my goth ex-girlfriend and did NOT recognize her without the eyeliner. I asked her out, which was super awkward because when I broke up with her I said I just wanted to be single for a while. A few months without the risk of running into her would probably be good.”

And yet more students are anticipating using the unexpected time off to cover otherwise difficult financial situations. Which is totally not the Office of Financial Aid’s fault. How about that new FAFSA, am I right?

“I burnt all my textbooks for warmth and I don’t want to pay the rental replacement fee,” said a junior theater major with a dance focus. “I already sold one kidney to buy Pleasers for SOAN 343: Comparative Perspectives in Pole Dancing, and it’s literally a GE. I’ll just go on the lam.”

Some students feel that they have exhausted their potential for meaningful personal or academic growth, but missed the deadline to request a leave of absence and were too nervous to ask the Registrar’s Office for an exception due to rumors that they were recently licensed to concealed carry.

“I can’t think of any more rhymes for Palestine, so there goes my sticker making business. Not to mention my thesis,” one RHMS major noted. 

Students are not the only group looking for silver linings in their snowstorm clouds — a significant faction of the faculty expressed their support for some remedial time off to enjoy the subsidized housing and excellent health care benefits that all staff receive, indiscriminately.

“Things have been pretty dicey for a while,” said a particularly disgruntled humanities department chair. “We’re going to take a break now, during which you should refresh your memory about how it is you act in a classroom environment.”

All in all, it looks like another flawless call from our administration and campus offices. Keep it classy, and see you next fall!