Assembled Skating Surveillance unit forms to bust frozen smokers

The recent snowstorm on campus brought significant challenges for many students. Many found travel difficult, or struggled with the limited offerings at the Bon, or merely went stir crazy in tiny dorm rooms. So basic, all the non-Californians muttered.

Some students, however, faced more uniquely unhinged struggles. These are the tales of two such students. 

Brie Carufel ’26 was one unfortunate soul who fell victim to Campus Safety’s newest method of patrol. Carufel was sitting in her dorm one night, the prospects for diversion looking bleak. 

“I had finally made it back from the Bon with my dinner,” said Carufel, “I had been so bored all day, and I was really looking forward to finally smoking a joint before I ate.” 

She figured that with the ice, there was no way Campus Safety could get their cars all the way up to the Forest dorms. Which, while true, grossly underestimated the dedication of the officers on duty that night. 

“I had just lit up when I saw out of the corner of my eye a figure coming out of the dark,” said Carufel. “It was moving significantly faster than anyone should have been able to on that ice.” 

In an instant, she realized what she was seeing — a Campus Safety officer, skating full speed at her, wearing what appeared to be a stolen Elsa costume from Disney on Ice. She tried to duck back inside, but found herself flailing on a patch of ice instead. 

“He jumped like four feet in the air and executed a perfect triple axle before kicking the joint out of my hand!” Carufel said. “It was straight out of a figure skating competition.” 

The officer proceeded to write up an SRR referral for the stunned Carufel, before disappearing back into the night at an equally improbable speed, saying nothing about their hitherto unknown ice skating abilities throughout the entire interaction. 

Carufel was unfortunately a victim of a new Campus Safety unit known as Assembled Skating Surveillance (ASS). Instead of allowing the student body to run wild, Campo’s officers have unleashed their ice skating expertise on campus, donning specialized skating clothes and expanding patrols along the Manor House lawn and backside of Copeland (formerly an unpatrolled wasteland, even without the ice).

Campo Officer Penn Guine has received particular praise for his skating ability, with superior officers noting his grace and passionate performance.

As the icy conditions continued through the week, more and more students ran into Campus Safety’s cold-weather measures. 

Hahn Myaz ‘24 was helping one of his friends move into their dorm when the roads iced over. Stuck on campus with nothing to do, he and his dorm-dwelling friends decided to find a good spot to smoke, as they too were under the unfortunate impression that Campus Safety would be unable to reach them. 

They decided on the reflecting pool area, thinking the ice would keep them safe from consequences otherwise heaped on those smoking in such an easily-bustable spot. Little did they know, it was not Campus Safety they needed to fear, but rather who Campus Safety had contracted for the week. 

As these unfortunate souls would soon come to find out, the administration had elected to hire National Hockey League (NHL) superstar and four-time Stanley Cup winner Wayne Gretzky to patrol campus until the ice subsided. 

Myaz had barely gotten out his bong before he turned to see the Great One barreling down the reflecting pool at him. Frozen in fear, he had no time to run as Gretzky’s famed left handed slap shot ripped at him at over a hundred miles an hour, leaving him standing in shock, clutching the neck of a shattered bong. 

“I was so stunned by what was happening that I had no time to react,” said Myaz. “It all happened so fast.”

He barely had time to process what had just happened before Gretzky body slammed him, sending Myaz flying across the ice. Head spinning, he struggled to his feet to see Gretzky autograph his SRR referral with a flourish, before returning to his hiding spot behind a tree. 

We reached out to Gretzky’s publicist, who was unavailable for comment. In retrospect, we probably should have expected that; we can no longer afford to pay a dedicated Outreach Coordinator due to our funding being redirected to compensate Mr. Gretzky for his time.

These are but two of the many unfortunate stories of those unlucky enough to have been caught by Campus Safety’s new skate patrol. If you or someone you know has been busted by these latest tactics, please contact the Pre-Law club to find out if you may be eligible to receive compensation for your struggles. A class action lawsuit is being filed as soon as someone gets around to it. Just smoke inside with a towel against your door and do better next time.