Mossy Log editors finally notice breaking news

By Rose Bialk

In the aftermath of a fun Halloweekend, there are many ways in which party goers recover. Hydration, food and sleep are all wonderful methods, though those particularly affected may choose to take a break from drinking and smoking for some time. 

It was in one such brief moment of sobriety that one of our Features editors saw the exciting news: The Princeton Review ranked The Mossy Log as the 21st best student newspaper in the nation!

We would like to issue our sincerest thanks to all who have contributed to our success, especially our contributors, editors and cocaine dealer. Without all of your hard work, none of this tomfoolery would have been possible.

We extend no thanks at all to our computers, our piece of sh*t former printer “Jamantha” and that one burrito place that canceled our takeout order a few issues back. The snow was NOT that bad!!

We would also like to extend our condolences to those who did not place, including our friends over at Reed College. Better luck next year! The offer for InDesign training still stands if you ever decide to knock off our paper for a cheap joke again.

We pledge to continue our practice of faithfully reporting on the student clubs, campus events and the occasional wildly controversial world event. Please keep an eye out for our upcoming projects, and if you do not like our coverage, feel free to tell us by writing an Opinion article! We will literally pay you to yell at us.

This, however, was not the only category in which Lewis & Clark placed highly. We ranked fourth in the nation for most politically engaged students, which comes as no shock to those of us who have ever taken a class in the Political Science department. Our activism is broad, comprehensive and takes many forms. Some of these include volunteer work, donating, protesting and, of course, spray painting. I know we are all proud to be a part of a community that partakes in such impactful activism. 

Additionally, we were ranked third for least religious students. This came as a shock to all of us, especially considering the record-setting attendance at the chapel on Sundays (for those unfamiliar, it’s the building with the domed roof and cross on top). One really must wonder how our Spiritual Director can possibly keep up with student attendees. Thankfully, there are enough fingers to count them.

While all these rankings are incredible achievements for which we should all be proud, there is one that stands tall above all others. It is made possible by the countless confiscated bongs, near constant SRR meetings, ever-present fear of the words “campus safety” and the tireless work of so many fake ID holders as well as those few of us who are actually 21. You are all real ones.

But even after all this, my fellow students, we did it. Beating out nearby “Weed College,” Lewis & Clark College has been ranked number one in the nation for Reefer Madness. We pay tribute to those who have sacrificed so much in pursuit of this noble goal. The referrals, the money spent on buying a new bong approximately one day after your old one was confiscated, and the late nights spent dodging flashlights in the woods outside Copeland or up by the water tower. We have persevered through all these hardships and more, and our efforts have paid off. 

Our thanks go to the Princeton Review, for recognizing us. Our parents, for still pretending to believe in us. And Campus Safety, for all those times they have pretended not to see us from their cars. Our hats go off to you.

We must also extend our thanks to the wonderful dispensary employees who don’t look too carefully at the ID we show them for keeping us on track and stocked up to achieve this feat. None of this would have been possible except for the dedication and drive we as a community have shown in pursuit of this goal. You deserve every extra dollar dumped into your tip jars.

 So go forth, our beloved readers. Pick up another copy of your now award-winning student paper when you see us out on a Friday. Or at the very, very least, go smoke a bowl. We certainly will be! And you all have definitely earned it.

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