“This could have been an email” – but then it was

By Emma Ford

The Office of Student Rongs and Reactivity has suffered a leak of confidential complaint emails after yet another IT disaster. Combing through thousands of freshman furies and parental pleas, the Backdoor presents a comprehensive sample of campus woes.

To: srr@lclark.edu

From: CardynCreen@lclark.edu 

“I was told that this college was the place for outdoorsy people. I did not know that by ‘outdoorsy’ people meant ‘walking to the Gazebo and then back to the dorm’ 3x a day. Are there any trails on this campus that fail to lead to a smoke spot?? I cannot go anywhere pretty in nature without someone saying ‘Imagine smoking a blunt here.’ Help!” 

Office Response: Hi Cardyn! While we cannot officially endorse this, one might potentially try putting THC-infused chocolate chips into their trail mix. Then, mayhaps, they would get it.

To: srr@lclark.edu

From: ProudBrody131288@

hotmail.com

“Everyone keeps calling me a ‘conservative extremist,’ ‘fascist,’ ‘Hitler-lover,’ ‘the type of guy that wants to get handcuffed by a cop and made out with in the back of the cruiser.’ I am not any of those things. No one lets me get a single word in. All I said was that maybe it is a bit radical to call for the abolishment and killing of all police and military figures in America. There are other solutions that are less violent. Like better background and mental health checks on potential officers, bringing a mental health professional to every case, having more options that don’t require lethality, and” [CHARACTER LIMIT ON EMAIL REACHED]

Office Response: Yeah, buddy, no one asked.

To: srr@lclark.edu

From:SexySauvBlancSoccerMom

@livelaughlove.com

“We were SO SO proud of our little baby boy for going off to college after being homeschooled his entire life, and your campus safety officers are making his time there abso-fruitly H-E-double hockey sticks! They arrested him for ‘attacking a campus safety officer.’ He was just protecting his fellow classmates from impending violence! You are the ones who taught him about p*lice brutality – how was he not supposed to do as he was told?! F*** you.”

Office Response: Please Google “Police Brutality.” We think you are making a mistake.

To: srr@lclark.edu

From: AhHartNYC@bigapple.net 

“Wawhking. Etiquette. Dey donot fockin’ getet. Ahm losin’ my gahdamn mind ova’ this. If deese mothafocka’s evah hard of the tahrtoise and the hare, thaid lose theirh shit seein’ how quick that toirtle mooves. Dey have such fockin’ angsiety ahbowt turnin’ left o rieght! Dey staph in da meddl of theh fockin’ hawllwhey, I am tiahd of it!! 

Office Response: …What?

To: srr@lclark.edu

From: lc23-9669@lclark.edu

“I feel so unsafe on this campus. I have been unable to eat and sleep or go to class without an anxiety attack almost coming on. My ability to live authentically and express myself is being impinged upon by a repressive system, and after escaping my parents’ house I thought that would be over. I had hoped that the anti-queer sentiments and homophobia would be left in the past, but alas, it continues to haunt me even on this campus. If part of my queer identity is getting a train run on me in the Troom, I should be allowed to do that!”

Office Response: We have heard similar complaints from other students, and are pursuing the idea of a devoted orgy space in Fowler. The Troom does have food safety regulations we are legally obligated to uphold, our apologies that it currently cannot suit your needs.

To: srr@lclark.edu

From: brighton.suns@gmail.com

“I am confused. I knew the school was small, but there are only three other students on this campus that have a similar identity to me, and they are all in the same major, they all wear the same clothes and they always watch me from the same spot as I go on evening runs. I am really starting to get freaked out. This feels like a form of harassment. Can anyone help??”

Office Response: We hear your concern, Adam, and this issue is being taken very seriously. From now on, change your route, so the students in question aren’t watching you. We suggest the path down to the rose garden and wearing a different tracksuit instead of the red and white one. Let us know how it goes.