Actual news headlines summarized for students’ reduced attention spans

In a massive move forward for The Backdoor, we are unveiling our morning news round up just in time for the year to be over so we do not have to put in this work again until next year. Find your morning news summarized with just enough detail that you did not just read the headline below!

Donald Trump flees re-arrest in solid gold Ford Bronco driven by Ted Cruz

Former U.S. President Donald Trump has led state police and highway patrol in New Jersey in an extremely low-speed pursuit after failing to surrender for arrest in New York last Friday. The former president said he did not surrender since t “police stations should not be open on Friday” according to a note left to his children in crayon, signed with a smiley face. He reportedly thought that fleeing across county lines was the same as fleeing the country to avoid extradition, as he did not wish to go to Mexico. 

Senator Ted Cruz, who has broken with his past methods of contacting police through cryptic ciphers and instead butt-dialed 911, has revealed that Trump is in the car with a head of broccoli, threatening to consume it in an attempt to end his own life. Trump has reportedly demanded to be taken to one of his hotels, or failing that, to McDonalds. He has made clear the broccoli is only meant to harm him, and no one else. 

All regular television broadcasts have been interrupted to broadcast the chase, except for Fox News, which appears to be broadcasting baby ASMR videos on repeat.

Tucker Carlson ousted at Fox News over $787.5 million payout, Don Lemon fired at CNN for sexism

Two networks have released star news anchors from their contracts in rapid succession this week. 

Tucker Carlson was let go from Fox News unexpectedly on Monday morning following the network settling the defamation lawsuit from Dominion Voting Systems for over three-quarters of a billion dollars to avoid trial, sparked by Carlson’s statements about the 2020 Presidential election being rigged. The severance of ties, which has been widely covered by CNN, appears to have come as a surprise to Carlson. 

Don Lemon was released from his contract with CNN after inflammatory comments about women “aging past their prime” in February caused a prolonged ratings dip for his show and guests began to refuse to appear on his show. The severance, which has been widely covered by Fox News, has resulted in the anchor retaining a high-powered entertainment lawyer, and a lawsuit is expected. 

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis to release re-write of favorite classics for current political climate

Ron DeSantis, the Republican governor of Florida, has decided to reintroduce banned works to classrooms by personally rewriting banned works with what he deems “more culturally appropriate and relevant messages.” While works by Toni Morrison (“The Bluest Eye”) and Maragret Atwood (“The Handmaid’s Tale”) are reportedly in progress, the first work being rewritten is Jonathan Swift’s essay “A Modest Proposal,” the famous satirical work suggesting Irish families sell their children as food during the Great Famine in Ireland. 

DeSantis’s treatment will include instructions to families seeking to offset the costs of rising grocery prices by supporting legislation actively harmful to their children until said children pass away. Inside sources say the governor fails to match the satirical rhetorical style of the original, and appear potentially genuine. Also furthering DeSantis’s war on Disney, several yet unnamed Disney characters are set to appear in the reworked essay, an ill-advised baiting of Disney’s lawyers. 

This morning briefing has been sponsored by an oil company that last made headlines for bottle-feeding baby seals crude oil, a certain Silicon Valley social media giant who made a recent name change and Casper Mattresses.

Additional headlines

World: Chinese diplomat fails diplomacy spectacularly with inflammatory comments, surprising no one with political understanding except that someone said quiet part out loud, again

World: Sudan Crisis specifics overlooked in rush to paint another African country as naturally crisis-prone. Foreigners evacuated, locals left to fend for themselves

World: War in Ukraine still happening, world leaders attempt to make troops go viral on TikTok again

U.S.: President Biden, Dick Van Dyke stun in Mary Poppins-esque tap-dance routine in response to questions over age

U.S.: Horrible gun crime leaves cartoonishly innocent victims dead, NRA Sends gun bouquet to weeping families at funeral

U.S.: Supreme Court blocks abortion pill Ban, proving contrarianism beats consistency every time 

Business: Wall Street plans to unveil wave pool to fluctuate with NASDAQ to improve community relations, prevent trader suicides by raising morale

Technology: AI panic recognized as legitimate legal defense for vandalizing computers

Entertainment: Police officers hire local personal injury attorney to sue Afroman More for stubbed toes, upset stomach from pilfered lemon pound cake 

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Deep Dive: Read this opinion piece from this almost-recognizable academic on how America is (shockingly) not the most developed amazing country in the world. By exploring the socio-economic and religio-political lives of Middle America and Appalachia, expressing surprise that non-coastal American citizens are incredibly different from coastal ones and reading tea leaves, this academic seeks to disprove myths of American greatness no one who reads the news site they are writing on believe anymore anyways. Walking the line between paternalism and outright racism, the op-ed names five African countries with positive developments that the U.S. is comparatively behind on. Pick up their new book, an incredibly stretched-out and meandering version of this article, for $36.99 plus tax and shipping to sound cultured for two minutes at your next dinner party.

Happy Birthday: Random member of the U.S. Congress, two White House staffers, a handful of hill staffers, three lobbyists who paid for this shoutout, a deputy press secretary to the minority whip, a waitress at a favorite DC eatery who got this shoutout in exchange for not publicizing how rude I was to her over an order of Spaghetti Carbonara, and Maria Vorontsova, eldest child of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

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