New grad program offers seniors another try

Squandered undergraduate student experiences remedied via ultimate blow-off classes on partying, jazz

Hey Seniors! Can you feel it? The finish line is close. Tantalizingly. As you finish cobbling together your thesis and push through your final remaining GE classes (we have to take PE in college?), you may be finding yourself feeling a little empty. But before you chalk it up to seasonal depression (it is April, after all), think back on your college experience. Was it everything you wanted it to be?

Studies have shown that an overwhelming 69% of seniors leave college with little more than high-interest loans and a degree that will rapidly depreciate in value. The quintessential college memories are increasingly being passed over, in favor of focusing on studies, health and being an overall loser.

Did that pesky Generalized Anxiety Disorder keep you in your Copeland double for your whole freshman year? Or what about that time COVID-19 resulted in every plan and party you got excited over being canceled last minute? Forget missing prom — you were robbed of your chance to black out at an improv show, just like you promised your parents you would!

With all these concerns in mind, Lewis & Clark has decided to give seniors a second chance at the college experience. In the 2023 – 2024 school year, LC is excited to introduce its newest graduate program, “False Start.” 

Admitted seniors will attend the one-year program, beginning in Fall ‘23, designed to help students fill in the gaps they missed the first time around. Completion of the program will earn students an MFA or a license as an ordained minister in the State of Oregon, which may actually have more value.

Interested? Take a look at a sampling of the course offerings and see if False Start could be right for you.

Jazz Appreciation

LC’s jazz scene is as quintessential to our unique culture as Carhartt, communism or blatant homophobia from gay people. Not a jazz fan? Not a problem. No one is. This course will teach you what so many have already learned: how to pretend to like jazz. Wow, check out that pentatonic scale! Modulate that key! Take a 5-minute solo, you deserve it! These terms and more will be covered in the course, and the final exam will consist of a conversation with a jazz drummer during which you will have to listen to whatever underground artist he plays you from his very cool Spotify without pretending you have to go to the bathroom.

Keg Stands 101

Sure, college kids love to party – going to a “party school” is a legitimate ambition. But you decided to go to LC, so naturally you missed out on your chance to rage against the machine as an undergrad. This course is for you! The class will consist of a series of field trips to the best of Portland’s party scene. Get mono from sharing a cigarette with a stranger at a house show. Sprain your ankle at a rave and figure out how to walk home from downtown. Go to a children’s dance recital on shrooms. Get caught publicly urinating. Extra credit will be given for showing up visibly hungover to class; indoor sunglasses and everything. Fake IDs will be required, regardless of being over 21, as will smelling salts and an alibi for Cobain’s suicide. 

Fiction 1

As a liberal arts college, LC believes students should invest in creative pursuits alongside their real degrees. This course will help you get in touch with your emotions and write some really worrying, ah, “fiction.” Therapy is hard and expensive. So rather than working through your issues with a licensed professional, detail your deepest traumas with self-indulgent mixed metaphors and unnecessarily graphic imagery. Better yet, plagiarize Taylor Swift lyrics. No one will notice.

Please note, class participation grades are not just based on speaking up a few times, but on how traumatized you leave your classmates with readings that begin with half-hearted content warnings and declarations of not intending on causing any discomfort.

COURSETITLETBD

That title is no error. This four credit course has no subject, no professor, and no content. It meets daily at 8 a.m. in BoDine 300, which you will never find out because you will skip it every time. 

Toxic! Unhealthy relationship dynamics in late adolescents

Were you friendless your freshman year? Or, even worse, did you have kind, respectful, healthy friendships? Save that shit for the PTA! We are young, we are messy, and we leave the emotional maturity for the AARP. In this course, you will learn how to have the drama-filled, hostile relationships of your wildest Gossip Girl dreams. Take screenshots. Post them. 

If False Start sounds right for you, applications are due June 1. Panicked emails saying that, like, mental health struggles or inability to manage a Google Calendar prevented you from applying on time, but you would still ‘really appreciate the opportunity to be considered!’ will be accepted until July 15. Application fees are non-waivable and refunds will not be issued upon rejection.