Long distance never works, everyone said so, but you, you were the exception. You packed up your childhood bedroom, kissed him goodbye and promised to call every day. Twice a day. The time difference will be easy! Your friends were skeptical, but you believed. He was the love of your life, and there is no one better out there for either of you.
As the weeks and months of the semester have ticked by, something feels off. You were so excited to see him over Thanksgiving break, but now you are not so sure. Is this just your
Psych 100 class talking, or is he acting weird?
Fear not, because a new study from Dr. Serena Wellerstein can empirically prove if your high school boyfriend is cheating on you.
“I’ve compiled hundreds of data points,” Wellerstein said. “It was a combination of qualitative interview data, field work and a complex algorithm that tracked prom photos of couples and whether and when they were taken down.”
Read the following statements and mark each symptom you have noticed. Some symptoms may seem counterintuitive, so they are all followed by an explanation as to why this is a definite sign of cheating. Scoring will follow the questions, so grab a pen and get critical!
- Phone calls have become less frequent. He is busy with other girls.
- He changed his hair. A hair change always accompanies a personality change, and his hair now says “I juggle women.”
- He wished you a happy birthday. He is calling you old and wants a younger model.
- He made friends in college. College friends are just soon-to-be hookups, everyone knows that.
- He compliments you. Buttering you up so you do not go digging for the truth. He knows you took Beginning Journalism junior year and will follow a lead to the end.
- He asks about your life at college. He is trying to distract you from asking about his, that bastard.
- He plans to come visit you over a long weekend. He needs a break from all the hard drugs and group sex.
- He is keeping in touch with your sister. They are doing it, obviously.
- He texted you he “can’t wait to see you over break!! <3.” What could he be doing on his phone? Dialing a sex hotline?
If at least seven of nine of these symptoms are present, Dr. Wellerstein says, it is likely you will need to give back his promise ring and take down the prom photos your mom took. Fret not, young one. In all her research, Dr. Wellerstein has also found that cheated-on freshmen can expect to make full, healthy recoveries.
“Over 95% of girls go on to find another true love in college,” she assures. “They’ll go on to date a bass player or a pre-law econ major, someone their mothers will grow to love.”
Remember to follow Dr. Wellerstein’s golden rule: “If you suspect he’s cheating, he probably is. Dump him. I have a PhD, I know what I’m talking about.”