Law introduces time travel as new alternative to abortion

Living in a post-Roe v. Wade world has many women wondering whether or not their healthcare will remain safeguarded. Federal law no longer protects abortion access, but a new bill has been drafted in Congress that could provide an alternative option.

The Martial Anti Reproduction Time-travel bYlaw (MARTY) Act of 2022, named for the main character in the cult classic “Back to the Future,” provides women with two options for getting rid of unwanted children outlined in the Preventative Time Travel and Postpartum Termination Clause. And only women, because according to some cisgender men, women are the only people able to get pregnant.

The act details how women can use new patented time travel technology to pinpoint the exact moment they engaged in intercourse, and then be transported back to that date to stop it from happening.

Sarah Sanderson from Massachusetts chose this option when she became pregnant.

“I got back to my boyfriend’s apartment right before my past self was about to have sex,” Sanderson said. “It worked for sure, but my boyfriend got pretty freaked out when I told him I was from the future. He started calling me a witch, and then he grabbed a hammer and knocked me out. Next thing I knew I woke up tied to a stake surrounded by people with pitchforks.”

This clause will not have an age limit, so mothers with children of any age can go back in time to prevent them from being born. The United States Government has warned any unruly offspring to be careful unless they want their mothers to un-concept them.

If this seems undesirable, women will also be able to terminate the baby once it has been born — as stated in the Postpartum Termination Clause. Some of the ways for women to terminate postpartum are by firing squad, drowning or returning to the customs of the Spartans and throwing the baby off a cliff.

“I think it’s a great compromise,” Senator Fred Bruz (R-TX) said. “We here in America strive to protect the innocent lives of unborn babies, but we could give less of a shit about what happens before conception or what happens to the baby after it’s born. I think it’s important that we leave that for the women to choose.”

The MARTY Act is already garnering a lot of support from the foremost experts on women’s bodies: cis men.

“I think MARTY will be so much more effective and safe for women with unwanted pregnancies,” says Dr. Hugh G. Rection. “It takes the pressure off of me and so many other doctors to perform abortions too, so that’s a plus.”

Congress will begin voting on the bill sometime in mid-November. The future is looking bright for women’s rights, as long as the functional uteruses each one has can still be used by men.