Portlander anti-umbrella sentiment guards against hazards, full hands

Illustration in blue and green of a person frolicking in a downpour
Alex Nash / The Mossy Log

There is nothing that makes you stick out more in Portland than an umbrella. In the land of people who take pride in being different, you could walk down the street naked and still not be as weird as the guy holding an umbrella. Here is a list of reasons why holding an umbrella in Portland makes you look like a loser. 

  1. People in Portland almost never walk. They are always riding a bike or a lime scooter. It would take some serious skill to not fall off of your bike and be impaled by an umbrella spike. Holding an umbrella while biking should be an extreme sport. 
  2. Also, people in Portland do not have enough hands to carry a stupid umbrella. Everyone in Portland has their dog in one hand and a coffee in the other. What are they supposed to hold the umbrella with? (Do not let your mind wander too far.)
  3. Everyone in Portland is equipped to go on a hike at a moment’s notice, #gorpcore. Have you ever seen anyone hike with an umbrella? If you say yes, that probably was not a hike, it was a walk. It is more efficient to let the rain fall on you, and there is more room for gorp in your pack. 
  4. People in Portland are very spiritual, if you have not seen the plethora of crystal and apothecary shops. With an umbrella, how could you participate in a rain cleanse? In order to cleanse themselves of toxicity, Portlanders take a nice walk in the rain. 
  5. To be real, the rain in Portland is unexpectedly inconsistent. If you walk down the street and feel a drizzle, the sun is already out by the time you pull out your umbrella. You are then left to carry it around all day in defeat.
  6. When walking around a crowded Portland farmers market, umbrellas just will not do. You do not want to continually bump into locals as you search for lavender-infused honey and organic IPAs.  
  7. Lastly, we have trees, dude. Why do we need some ugly, man-made piece of metal when we have natural umbrellas planted all around us? Instead of looking like a dummy walking around with your umbrella, just stop under a tree while it rains. It will be over soon. 

In one of the rainiest cities in America, it seems like umbrella business should be booming, but that could not be further from the truth. If it is still not clear why Portlanders hate umbrellas so much, try carrying one around. I am sure they will tell you why as they beat you up. For the record, I am kidding, no one is going to beat you up because you choose to carry an umbrella. But it is just a little water— what are you scared of? As a transplanted Portlander, I do not carry an umbrella because I do not want to blow my cover. Even though I am constantly soaked, it is worth it because at least I am not carrying a loser umbrella. 

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