Forget psychiatrists – let the stars tell you what psychiatric medication you should be taking
YOU HAVE been to psychiatrists. You downloaded BetterHelp for a week. You even took shrooms that one time, and yet you are still mentally ill. Well, fear not: I, an astrology bisexual who knows more than any doctor, am here to tell you exactly what psychiatric medication you should be on based solely on your zodiac sign.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries is the youngest sign in the zodiac, known for being bold, red-hot and the quintessential fire sign. Aries loves to start projects and hates to finish them, and all signs point to undiagnosed attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Aries might want to try Wellbutrin, an atypical antidepressant which is sometimes prescribed off-label for ADHD. Its common side effects include agitation and irritability, so Aries should feel right at home.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus is an earth sign known for being stubborn, down-to-earth lovers of their creature comforts. We all know a Taurus on antidepressants, and that antidepressant is almost certainly Lexapro. Lexapro is perfect for Taurus: It is a commonly prescribed selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) loved by kids and moms alike. It is a little basic, but it gets the job done, just like a Taurus.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Sweet, unpredictable Gemini. Easily bored and always gossiping, Gemini is a controversial favorite in their friend group. None other than Paxil could do for this polarizing sign. Psychiatrists use Paxil less than other SSRIs due to its more severe side effects and notable issues with withdrawal, but nothing says Gemini like leaving you wanting more.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancers are high-maintenance. They are sensitive, and can be pretty closed off. Cymbalta, a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI), affects both levels of serotonin, a mood regulator, and norepinephrine, which affects energy and alertness. This combined approach makes Cymbalta potentially more effective than SSRIs but can lead to more side effects. Honestly, Cancer could use a strong antidepressant, and would not mind the more severe side effects if it gives them something to complain about.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Everyone’s favorite, the star of the show, the belle of the ball. For Leo, the equally ubiquitous Prozac is the only appropriate choice. Prozac is one of the most prescribed medications for depression, and you either love it or hate it. Leo loves to be loved, but loves the hate just as much. No such thing as bad publicity, right?
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Nothing less than perfection will do for Virgo, and their medication is no exception. Only the best will do, and the gold standard of antidepressants is Zoloft. You know it, I know it. Old, reliable Zoloft. The pale, calming blue of a sertraline 50mg, gracing the bathroom counters and bedroom floors of teens across the country.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Libra, I am not sure how to tell you this, but there is not an antidepressant that can help with what you are going through. Try to leave your bed, call your friends, and listen to less Phoebe Bridgers. A lot less. There are other artists.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Oh, Scorpio, the sign we love to hate and hate to love. An oft-misunderstood sign, Scorpios are governed by truth, ambition and a penchant towards manipulation, but only because they are always right. For Scorpio, the atypical antidepressant Lithium may be a good fit. It is strong and not prescribed for depression very often, and Scorpio’s not-like-other-pills attitude will thrive with such an underground medication.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Sagittarians are the most intrepid sign of the zodiac. They love to take risks, explore new things and adventure. This bold, all-in attitude makes Sagittarius a sign who would likely do well on ketamine, an illicit drug-turned experimental depression treatment. Nothing says Sagittarius like experimental, and nothing says experimental like using your parent’s health insurance to start taking ketamine.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Capricorns are patient, tenacious hard-workers who know what they want and when they want it. Their focus can make them a little uptight, but Celexa can help! Though somewhat less effective than other SSRIs, a little boost of serotonin from Celexa may be all Capricorn needs to develop a personality outside of their very cool, self-designed major they won’t shut up about.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
The always bold, ever curious Aquarius needs a medication to match. Effexor is another SNRI, a complex treatment fit for such a cerebral sign. Compared to its SNRI counterpart Cymbalta, Effexor is somewhat less effective in treatment of anxiety, which Aquarius should cope well with, seeing as they have been effectively treating their anxiety by ignoring it and watching “New Girl” about it for years.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Pisces is an old soul; a poetic, intuitive water sign who is in tune with their emotions. Even too in tune. The monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) class of antidepressants will suit Pisces’ unique needs. MAOIs are the oldest antidepressants that are still prescribed, as well as being some of the strongest. A high dosage with a vintage flare may be the only thing that gets Pisces through the semester. It still counts as seasonal depression if it starts in August, right?