In students’ thrice-daily treks to the remaining shell of Fields Dining Hall, they lament the piles of takeout boxes towering in the (few) trash cans. Was there a Grubhub Groupon? Did I miss Cardboard Appreciation Day?
Alas, all those trees are sacrificed simply so that we can enjoy this night’s take on stir fry sloshed together with a salad that is probably even fruitier than you are. Luckily, this mindless consumption will continue no longer. Administration announced that outdoor feeding troughs will be integrated into campus beginning as soon as this April.
Not only will the new troughs minimize the paper waste from all of the to-go boxes, they will also conserve water and electricity usage, allowing maximum funds to be allocated for President Vim Vievel’s funeral — excuse me — going away party.
Students need not worry about utensils or napkins to eat tidily, groundskeepers will simply hose students off once they have eaten. Consequently, showers will no longer be needed. While some might be concerned about a lost opportunity for four-legged showers, troughs will be free for four-legged baths after dining hours. Trough baths will be almost as sanitary and far less private. Additionally, the empty shower stalls will be repurposed into overflow housing for the class of 2026 in line with the eco-design philosophy of permaculture.
The strain on electricity will drop as well. The dining area will not need to be lit, since students do not need to see their food to eat it: Dipping one’s head into a trough can be done day or night. If students are concerned about bumping heads with one another, fret not. Following the example of United States President Biden’s COVID-19 testing initiative, administrators will be handing out four solar-powered headlamps per friend group.
Another benefit of the feeding trough adaptation is that Bon workers will no longer have to undergo the extra effort of cooking separate dishes, as they can dump all the ingredients together into only a few separate troughs: meat, gluten free, Kosher, and the new vegetarian and vegan option of grass. With no dishes and minimal prep, the staffing shortage will also be solved. However, a more radical transition is expected after the initial adjustment period. Bon Appétit catering will be done away with altogether to embrace the truest definition of farm-to-table, minus the table.
Instead of having food prepared on campus, farms will truck their crops straight into the troughs. Say “toodles” to tofu and “salutations” to soybeans, say “cheerio” to chicken and “ciao” to, well, chickens. The Co-Op here on campus has agreed to assist with that last one. Even the dreaded soy curls will be reduced to their simplistic, farm-fresh alternative: soy lines.
This shift will not only create sustainability that will rival that of Environmental Design certified J. R. Howard Hall, but it will also bring students together once again in a unified “boning” experience.
It has already been established that it is impossible to transmit COVID-19 while actively eating, so get ready for the Bon Welcome Orgy #2, folks. This time, with biodegradable condoms to fit the eco-friendly theme. After this smashing success, Trojan will likely be inclined to adopt the hottest flavor yet: cellulose.
Get ready for a revolutionized dining experience, folks. Lewis & Clark will be saving the planet one communal dining trough at a time.