LC places excess students in Evans Auditorium

Our scene begins in the historic Evans Auditorium, and with a great commotion.  

In the face of the largest freshman class in Lewis & Clark history, Campus Living has taken an innovative approach to easing the strains on dorm space. Drama majors, stage crew and other performing arts students have been moved out of overflow housing and into the Evans Auditorium. 

Thanks to generous donations from College Outdoors, two-person tents have been erected onstage and in aisles for first-year students and sophomores in what was described by an unnamed member of the campus living staff as “a major space upgrade for these lucky students.”  

As students streamed into the auditorium, carrying their belongings in cardboard boxes and duffel bags, distressed members of Campus Living rushed around distributing commemorative shower shoes, Resident Advisor (RA) introduction packets (all RAs will be housed on-site in the lighting booth) and clip-art printouts of padlocks. 

“Yes, the $150 re-locking fee still applies — look, color ink is expensive, OK?” RA Jose Bautista ’22 said.

When asked about the prospect of living in the auditorium, Marie Gerin ’24 said there are significant benefits to the alternative housing solution.

“I mean, I’ve always preferred the Fir Acres Mainstage, but apparently the drama department does too, and at least the hall lets in some natural light right?” Gerin said. “Plus, there is a dope tunnel system beneath the theatre that I found last year and wait you aren’t going to print this, are you? My mom will kill me!”  

For star actors, musicians and dancers, surplus dorm furniture has been moved into the dressing rooms to keep them above the chorus riffraff. Anonymous student sources attested to fierce competition over the only private dressing room (with its own bathroom, no less) even after the unfortunate mishap drove away its first occupant. 

Campus Living Student Coordinators Ricky Finn ’22 and George Andrews ’23 were backstage helping theater major Clara Gigiel ’23 move copious bags into her new home. Lucky Gigiel had secured the room after a stirring rendition of “Quando M’en Vo” from Guiseppe Verdi’s “La Boheme.” In response to being questioned about allegations that she had been given the room to halt her rendition, Gigiel huffed in offence.  

But things quickly went wrong in the dressing room. As Gigiel stood in the back of the room, directing the hanging of fairy lights, a large plywood diner sign from her high school’s production of “Grease” (in which she played Marty) hung with blue painter’s tape, came crashing down inches from her head. Down the hall, alarmed cries echoed as Gigiel sobbed hysterically, clutching her Hamilton doll.  

“We tried to calm her,” Andrews said, horrified. “But she wouldn’t stop crying!”  

Finn interjected in support of Gigiel. 

“Which is, like, totally valid,” Finn said. “I tried to tell her that these things happen, and she should really use command hooks, but nothing was getting through to her.” 

Gigiel stormed out of the room, swearing she would not be returning. Sources have said she is sleeping on the floor of a friend’s dorm in Copeland and participating in aromatherapy. The Office of Student Welfare has reportedly been in contact with her  regarding her experience.  

The vacancy her departure left has since been filled.

“Oh, it’s been filled.” Andrews said. “We had so many people who wanted that room, we thought it was better to pick randomly. Cristy Day ’25 has been placed there for the time being.”  

Gerin, however, claims an alternative set of events took place.

“Is that what he said?” Gerin said. “No, my mom and I totally got her put in there. She’s a way better singer anyways, nobody likes listening to Clara.” 

Campus Living denies any such agreement. Associate Professor Mimi Gerin, Marie Gerin’s mother, was unavailable for comment.