The Backdoorette: search for next Backdoor editor

As the velvet curtain closes on my rein as The Backdoor editor, the search for the new journalistic jester begins. The same search that those before me have braved, the one destined to produce an editor that is truly here for the right reasons. I must select one who is worthy enough to take on such an illustrious position. And now that my senior year is coming to an end, the search for the new Backdoorette commences. 

Unfortunately, this year’s search has not been fruitful. Upon writing this, I have received three proposals, all worse than the last. I decided to record my woes and publish them in hopes that those who come courting the position may learn from the mistakes of lesser candidates. 

The first candidate is Breck Schitz ’08, a Lewis & Clark graduate who was the Backdoor editor for one semester and has been working on a tech startup since his graduation. Whether or not a 13-year-old fake pregnancy test app qualifies as a startup is irrelevant according to Schitz’s momager who submitted his application. 

The current pool of applicants is not happy that Schitz is being included. Mentions of him “having had his time” and “only returning for the Insta fame” have circulated online. 

In a Zoom interview, the former Backdoor editor made it clear that he believes the satire section hit its peak when he was at the helm. 

“We used to do some groundbreaking stuff,” Schitz said. “Like we used to call people names, imply bestiality, and get real libel lawsuits every other week.” 

Upon a review of the archives, Schitz’s sections were not available. An Aubrey R. Watzek Library representative said that it was due to the foul nature of the “journalism.” He was apparently the first person to make a real argument for Oregon to develop an obscenity statute. 

Kyle Neckbearde ’22, the next candidate, was able to hijack the interview, even though it was on Zoom. Halfway through Schitz’s description of “millennial humor,” Neckbearde asked to “steal me for a second.”  

Neckbearde, a current LC political science student, has big hopes for The Backdoor. He told me that his “journey” through his favorite social media site, Reddit, prompted his application. 

“Reddit has just inspired me in so many ways,” Neckbearde said. “Mostly it has taught me that women aren’t funny and that if I want to change something, I should shame people into doing it online.” 

Neckbearde was rejected for the position for obvious reasons, one of them being that he hates women but steals ideas from the Reductress to try and relate to females. He also said something about “fantasy suites” before I promptly ended the Zoom call. I can only assume that it is some kind of upgraded version of Google Suites that I do not know about. 

Finally, our strangest applicant yet, Welvim Vie ’23, sent his application entirely in cut-out magazine letters. Some cryptid doodles were on the back, but I have not seen “Zodiac” so I am not sure what it means. 

Vie says that he is a SOAN major, but declined to have a Zoom meeting with me unless it was, “shrouded by darkness as all-encompassing as Lewis & Clark’s debt.” I ended up calling the whole thing off because I was not about to deal with whatever theater kid that came out of. 

The Backdoor is still searching for its next editor. So, if you are dumb, fun and full of the desire to overcompensate, please apply!