COVID catastrophes cause certain chagrin

Let us get real for a moment, Boners, (noun. LC slang. One who is a fan of Bon Appetit, the caterer at Lewis & Clark). Sure, this whole pandemic thing has been tough with all the online classes and social isolation. But no one is talking about some of the biggest struggles we are facing on campus that need to be brought to light. 

First of all, one of the most painful things impacting the learning capacities of undergraduate students on weekend mornings is none other than the hand sanitizer at the entrance to Fields Dining Hall. That Purell bottle is making it harder than ever to recover after a night of drinking with your pod. While chowing down on the cage-free vegan brunch and the famous citrus peach juice, an anonymous sophomore complained, “my mask already smells like the white claw I spilled on it last night. I get nauseous every morning, and the hand sanitizer just adds more fuel to the fire.” 

Another issue encountered in LC’s main dining room is the fishtank-like plexiglass that arguably causes more harm than good. Last Wednesday, a couple was spotted eating dinner separated by the iconic plexiglass shields. Shortly after digging into their tofu yakisoba, a fighting match ensued, resulting in the termination of their relationship. It can only be concluded that the plexiglass separating them caused this. Plexiglass is a known catalyst of miscommunication. 

Fields is not the only establishment on campus whose ambience and general appeal is suffering as a result of COVID-19. Maggie’s Café is also affected. Similar to the flirtatious energy of a Trader Joe’s cashier, the attractive Maggie’s baristas offer a promise of new love. (This is a personal question to the barista with the glasses and curly bangs: are you free next Friday?) 

Dating is extremely difficult as a result of limited social interactions. Nowadays, going on dates always has a catfishing element due to the concealment of one’s face by a mask. Many students have complained about experiencing a disappointing face-reveal at the beginning of a lunch date, including A. Templetonne ’23.

“I didn’t know what to do, it was so awkward,” Templetonne said. “He asked me out after my Biology class but when he took off his mask I had to hide the shock on my face. I realized I needed to end this date after seeing his face. Those were not kissable lips in any universe.” 

Who knew in-person catfishing existed?

Face masks are causing additional problems for on-campus students, especially those who like to accessorize during their in-person lab classes. Hoop earrings in particular are being neglected due to the likelihood of entanglement while switching your mask before entering Olin 310 for your titration lab. 

“Everytime I try to swap out my cloth face mask for the KN95 that we are required to wear while in the lab, my hoops fly off,” Ewing Coaplund, ’24 said. This morning one of them almost knocked over an entire burette,” Coaplund said. 

Self-expression is arguably one of the most important aspects of a liberal arts education, and the mask/earring debacle must be solved.

This past year has been rough. Good luck out there, Pios.