Illustration by Amelia Madarang

It is time we break up with the Electoral College

America’s relationship with the Electoral College is like a bad romance: frustrating, doomed to fail and just plain awkward. We all know the feeling of getting involved with someone that is super passive-aggressive but also oddly prone to wild fits of emotional outburst. That, my friends, is what the Electoral College is all about. Suffice it to say, it is absolutely crazy and needs to be stopped. I was fortunate that my bad relationship ended after an awkward two months; the United States has been in one with the Electoral College for 200 years.

Al Gore can attest to this. His experience with the Electoral College was so bad that he went loony and started preaching about climate change in 2004 — way before it was socially acceptable to do so. The dang hippie. The animated series South Park was correct in labeling him “Man, Bear, Pig” — an accurate description that emphasized Gore’s transition from human-being to an otherworldly entity. This was most likely undergone as a coping mechanism following his presidential election loss in the year 2000. Gore was reportedly so distraught that he “threw hands” with fellow Democrat Bill Clinton, who may have lost Gore the election when he canoodled with Lewis & Clark’s own Monica Lewinsky ’95, thereby tarnishing the reputations of other Democrats like Gore by association. But we know the truth; it was the Electoral College that truly did him in.

Hillary Clinton, rather than becoming an extra-terrestrial like Gore, starred on Saturday Night Live following her 2016 electoral letdown. Her career in politics consummately prepared her for a life on-stage, so she kidnapped Kate Mckinnon and became a cast member unbeknownst to anyone else.

President-elect Joe Biden, who is in the midst of a dicey election in which the Electoral College is set to either end or revive his political career, has purportedly been attending Zoom Zumba classes during election night (which lasts multiple nights, apparently). This is part of a long-term, behind-the-scenes plan that involves a celebrity boxing match between Biden and Trump, who will fight for $17 gazillion if either of them wins the 2020 election. According to everyone other than Fox News, which does not want to rule out Kanye West as a potential victor, this is a strong possibility. Trump is already referring to the fight as rigged, prompting Biden to release his damning and profane catchphrase, “Shut the hell up, man.”           

With all of that said, and all jokes aside, the American people are the ones hurting the most from the one-sided, flat-out goofy relationship they have with the Electoral College, which turned the aforementioned Al Gore away from society and into the cruel arms of nature. Let us make like Man, Bear, Pig and get out while we still can.

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