Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)
People born under the sign of Libra are associated with the planet Venus which causes a strong emotional disposition. As Venus shines on you during Mercury’s retrograde, you need to take this opportunity to have a (coronavirus safe) hot girl semester. Shoot your shot and the stars will be behind you. You majestic freak, you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
You are caught in the seasonal Mercury retrograde until November, this may push you to be a really loving person, or perhaps the stars are pushing you to be a serial killer. Either way, if you are looking for that passion in this time of uncertainty, Libras will be a great person to turn your mommy issues to.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)
You usually do not believe in horoscopes but ever since you found out “having a Subaru isn’t a personality trait” you have been turning to the stars for guidance. If you have something on your mind, you should just say it and if a Taurus gets upset that’s their bloody problem. Also, slide into a Libra’s direct messages on Zoom.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)
Your perspective on life is realistic and materialistic and you try to turn everything to your own advantage. I hate you. Loving capitalism is so embarrassing. That being said, everyone needs a partner in crime. Right now your Sun is in Libra and this span will be rather serious for you. Buy them a gift or something.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)
While Mercury is backtracking and backpacking through Scorpio, you may find it hard to connect with any Scorpio beyond a surface level. You do not need to force a connection. Sometimes it is self-care to cut people off and go for those Libras who you have an instant connection with.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20)Honestly, you suck and I wish you were a Libra. Please change.
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Mars is in retrograde for you until Nov. 3 at 7:69 p.m. You are associated with the planet Mars so this will be rough, but it gives you an opportunity to recuperate and refocus your energy so you are spending it on what matters most in your life. Cough like that Libra you ghosted, cough cough.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
You are usually very sensitive and succumb easily to your feelings; in other words, you are a pissbaby. This is not the time to be in your feelings. It is the time to stand up for yourself and fight any Sagittarius that says otherwise. Also, hook up with a Libra.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Are you caught in a love triangle? Do you have several relationships at the same time, you two-faced goose? I know these last few months have been weird and you are just waiting for that lunar eclipse in Nov. to set things right. Whatever situation you are in a Libra can be a great addition.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
This water sign is associated with the moon and lucky for you there are two full moons occurring in October. Wow, astronomy is hard. Use this time to stop pining and take action! That Libra cannot wait forever!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You need to stop sitting with goblin posture during your virtual classes. All the Libras are talking about it. It is honestly concerning.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 23)
The sign Virgo is associated with the planet Mercury but Mercury’s retrograde will not be hitting you the hardest. So, you have no excuse to gatekeep that thing you think makes you unique. If you say “You did not know that” one more time I will scream. Be like a Libra and do not be a dick.