I swear crystals cure COVID

Thanks to a tip from an anonymous member of the Scientology community, scientists have recently discovered that certain crystals can cure COVID-19. That being said, not all crystals are created equal; scientists have verified that emerald and amethyst gemstones are the only crystals that both eliminate and prevent coronavirus. Scientists have confirmed two methods of use that serve as viable options: crystal insertion and injection. This has come as a shock to many, but some Lewis & Clark students have taken this discovery as affirmation to what scientists have not yet corroborated: crystals have the power to cure just about any ailment. 

Meadowlark Petri ’23 commented on her feelings of strength and affirmation concerning this landmark scientific event. 

“Yeah, it is really validating to know that the scientists are finally confirming what my friends and I have known for like the past few months,” Petri said. “My roommate contracted the virus, and the first thing I did was charge my crystals on the windowsill.”

Petri went on to mention that after the crystals had absorbed plenty of natural light she inserted the longest shard into one of her bodily cavities. 

“I live in a quad so it is kind of difficult to perform the crystal healing ceremony in private,” Petri said. “But I am used to not caring about what other people think. I sleep on the top bunk so I just put a crystal up my asshole before I go to bed. Sometimes I wake up the next morning with a bloody anus, but it is well worth it for making myself immune to coronavirus.”

Lilypad Truffle ’21 has opted to follow the other possible method outlined by scientists. As a recovering meth and heroin user, Truffle appreciated the familiarity associated with once again injecting a substance directly into their bloodstream.

“It is very comforting to know that scientists have recommended this method of injection,” Truffle said. “Injecting crushed crystals has not only cured my coronavirus, but I have also taken this recommendation as an initiative to start using again.”

Truffle also mentioned that they accidentally snorted crushed onyx, which scientists had not verified as capable of healing, out of excitement after reading a factually incorrect article in The Pioneer Log. The publication has issued a correction in the wake of this incident.

“I saw something in the news section that opted for snorting crushed onyx, and I had one laying about in my room,” Truffle said. “I trusted The Pioneer Log wholeheartedly and proceeded to crush the one on my bedside table with a mortar and pestle; I had bought these tools for my Introduction to Apothecary and Witchcraft Practice in the SOAN Department. After the second line, I experienced an orgasm and proceeded to astral project. Despite my proficiency as an experienced astral projector, I was not able to fully detach my spiritual component from my material one. This dissonance caused my form in the physical realm to spastically flail in frustration as I struggled to regain control over my body.”

Paramedics arrived at the scene after one of Truffle’s roommates found them convulsing on the floor of their common area. Although they did post on social media about transferring schools in response to “LC’s new-age gen-z bullshit,” the roommate declined to comment about the incident.

Some LC students have started incorporating crystals into their daily routines even though scientists have not yet confirmed these methods. For more ideas about how to use crystals in baking, resurrections, RHMS classes, and summoning the divine spirit of the universe, turn to our article in Features. And remember, crystals only work if you charge them with intention. If it does not work, it is your fault you stupid fake wook.