Image by Anna DeSmet

A new drinking game to get you quaranturnt

In an old tradition of attempting to kill germs and boredom with alcohol, the World Health Organization (WHO) has outlined a drinking game to help those practicing social distancing and alcohol dependency. The game, dubbed “Coronatime,” was the result of an hours-long research project commissioned by Corona Extra brewing company, who has been suffering from the worst case of associational bad luck since my second cousin was named William Cosby. (He is 14 now and uses it to justify his teen angst, little shithead.) 

The WHO recently added a student portion to the game, focusing on Zoom conferences and other digital meeting spaces. The more controversial add-on for Boomers was recently retracted after13 retirees got so drunk that they thought they could “floss” and broke their hips.

Coronatime. Take a shot each time:

  • Your roommate endangers everyone by going to the dispensary or bars despite them insisting it was necessary for self-care. Social Distancing is important Taryn.
  • You see conflicting tweets about the virus, some from your hometown idiot, some the President.
  • You hear, “It is pretty much the flu.”
  • You see someone buying 15 gallons of milk, 60 rolls of toilet paper and 76 condoms, presumably for the indefinite future. The last statistic could change given the confidence of the individual (or if they forget that condoms can expire).
  • A child is conceived. Neither WHO or Corona Extra are responsible for any children conceived while playing.
  • A child is conceived that will be named Quarentina 
  • You see people holding hands. In this climate?
  • COVID-19 is used as a rhyme for bovid McQueen, eroded spleen, bloated teen, throated hygiene, implode in my jeans, toasted white bean, quoted Charlie Sheen, bowlegged James Dean, Perot’s dry clean, come on Eileen, Shostakovich sardine, low bid meme, etc. 
  • When you run out of disinfectant wipes. Poor this shot out on the counter and use it to wipe up your germs.

Coronatime, Zoom edition (for college students!). Take a shot each time: 

  • Someone pretends to be frozen so they do not have to answer a question.
  • Your professor insists that they did not “have” to cancel school. 
  • Technical difficulties (take an extra shot if it is an easy fix but you just cannot be arsed to help).
  • Someone superimposes a background behind them to hide the state of their room. It is that bad.
  • The parents of your classmate are arguing in the back, a dog is barking or your classmate has to move locations and you end up getting a Cribs-like tour of their home. Open floor plans carry sound, Chip and Joanna.
  • You are suddenly informed that someone is not wearing pants. Take an extra shot if it is you or your professor. Take an extra extra shot if it is your SOAN professor, just because it sounds probable.
  • Take 15 extra shots if your profesor insists on not using Zoom and instead opts for a different, more complicated platform, thus adding extra stress to your day otherwise filled with binging the Masked Singer with your mom. We all knew it was Tom Bergeron. 
  • Someone forgets to mute themselves and a Grindr notification goes off.
  • A joke about the virus comes up and no one laughs.
  • A joke about the virus comes up and everyone laughs.
  • A joke about the virus comes up and no one laughs because it was a Kyle.
  • A joke about the virus comes up and no one laughs because it was a Kyle Lascarettes.
  • Someone’s hydroflask falls down and makes more noise than the fight at your local Fred Meyer’s over the last roll of toilet paper.

The WHO urges people to drink responsibly unless it is Corona Extra. If it is Corona Extra, the WHO recommends that you get “incomprehensibly trashed. Lord knows we all need it now.” Those who are under 21 are recommended to not drink alcohol and instead substitute substances with the sweet nectar of youth that they have so been denied since the 2012 rapture.

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