Addressing all sheeple: shirk your shackles

Image by Casper Pierce

A SPECTER IS HAUNTING the West. And by the West that is to say the world. That specter is capitalism; its dreadful facade has corrupted our ideologies, poisoned our waters and besmirched the good name of communism. This proposal that I have outlined here will examine the ways in which this system (capitalism) has adopted the policy of the well known pyramid scheme to convince those fluffy sheep we call citizens of its validity. These ideas will culminate in a five-page thesis. And, yes, I have already copyrighted the comparison of commoners to sheep; please refrain from using it in your work. 

Let us first consider the squirming masses, the hungry proletariat that huddles around fires in barrels as the luminous light plays on their pliable flesh, similar to a pudding cup left too long in the sun. From lack of nutrition and intellectual stimulation, the average impoverished person develops a condition known as “pain,” uncommon to the ruling class, in which emotional and physical stress produces unfavorable sensations in their writhing maggot bodies. Their condition should humble us all.

Here at Lewis & Clark, many of us are unfamiliar with this disease. There are those who attend this institution because of the financial aid, and there are those who do not. I am sure you know which one you are. But, despite the pervasive ignorance at this school, there still remains the plight of the modern worker who forms the lowest rung on this pyramidal ladder. Do not dispute my synthesis of metaphors. If your mind is too dense to picture such a device, stop reading now before you injure yourself.

Back to the argument at hand: there are many poor and few rich (Infinite Jest, 12). While one laborer suffers, the ruling business owner has his toes sucked by another worker (Atlas Shrugged, 68-69). Thus, this structure resembles that of a pyramid, not to be confused with a cone, and you slowly approach the singular power in orgasmic suspense as you travel upwards (The Bible). The evidence supplied from these three texts warrants further investigation for the studious researcher, but we do not have the time to digress. 

As the lower classes fornicate out of fear and sexual frustration, the higher classes suffer from an increased rate of erectile dysfunction because of their business preoccupations (WebMD). This trend accounts for the fact that there are fewer rich than poor; another thwart to procreation in the upper echelons also may be the fact that they can hire workers to have surrogate sex for them, thus eliminating the exhaustion that comes with the animal act (The Tibetan Book of the Dead). In layman’s terms, as you ascend the ladder of capitalism, the population decreases until you are left with a single member. What lies at the point of this perilous pyramid you may ask? Reader, if you have not ascertained the arc of my argument thus far, then you do not deserve to read the finished product of my labors. (Hint: it is God.) 

Although this proposal already surpasses some “finished” projects I have read in terms of substance and length, I will pursue these questions further in my senior thesis. Similar to the manner in which Ulysses was disseminated to the public, I will be serializing my thesis in an obscure publication at Reed that you can only access after ingesting psychedelics and proving that there is an infinite number of prime numbers. Few of you will make it, but those that do will bask in the light of my accomplishments. If you are lucky, you may even just understand the structure enough to mount it yourself.

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