New Roommate Doesn’t Wear Shoes, Condoms

Illustration by Raya Deussen

*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor

By Robin Roianov

When picking a roommate you don’t always get what you want. That is the case with Ben Renault ‘21, who upon arrival to campus met his roommate, Josh Moritz ‘21.

“When I first saw Josh outside the dorm he seemed like a pretty normal dude,” Renault said. “But then I noticed that he wasn’t wearing shoes, and by the condition his feet were in, it seemed like he hadn’t been wearing them for a while. I mean they were just ravished, completely caked in dirt, some bits of food between his toes. I think there might have even been a piece of glass lodged in one of his calluses that he just didn’t notice. I asked him about it and he said something about how feet have soles, but I guess he meant, like, the spirit type of soul?”

Renault tried moving on from the event, in an effort to keep an open mind, but several days later, he describes there being “an overwhelmingly foul smell”. When Renault asked his roommate about it, Moritz replied, “That’s just my body adjusting to the new climate. Since I don’t put any harmful substances, like soap or shampoo or water, on my body, it is able to function in its natural way.”

“That’s when it took a turn,” Renault said. “Suddenly he gets really serious and tells me, ‘Don’t even get me started on the villainy of condoms.’ But apparently he was already started, he went on to tell me that by cutting straws and condoms out of his life, he can do his part for the environment. Apparently he had tried using a condom before, but when his partners didn’t let him keep reusing the same one, he took a stance against it. In the years since I’m sure he’s completely backlogged his computer with some really nasty viruses.”

Renault then proceeded to ask Moritz if he had any fear of sexually transmitted diseases.

“Ben said that as long as he is a ‘friend of the universe’ the universe would be a friend to him,” Renault said. He said that by not using condoms, keeping the earth clean from his shoe prints, and not polluting the ground with soap he’s really more like ‘the universe’s brother’. I mean, the guy’s just asking for a one way ticket to chlamydia town.”

The Backdoor reached out to Moritz for comment.

“I really don’t see what the big deal is,” Mortiz said. “Think of it this way, some people don’t use plastic bags, I don’t use condoms.” Moritz did note, however, that if the situation was abnormally precarious he had a sustainable condom substitute that he could use. “I got it at the local farmers market. it’s made completely out of Angora rabbit hair and is good for up to five hundred uses. It definitely gives me a sense of ease. As well as a bit of a rash,” Moritz said.

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