The Backdoor’s Fall style guide

*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor

By Madeleine Orona Burgos

This fall semester, everything is bad. The bridge is still missing, lines for the Troom are out the door every five minutes, and the sky is falling nearly as often. Our bedrooms are most likely mud rooms thick with depression. But for this fall, here are some tips and tricks to get your sadness den looking like a fabness den!

• Put up some seasonal posters and fun autumnal decor. If there are things covering the walls, it takes your mind off of the crushing feelings of failure that will pop up at 3:15 a.m.when you suddenly remember accidentally calling the teacher “mom” in 5th grade. Bonus points if they have people on them! Nothing helps you get your life in order like strangers’ eyeballs printed on paper constantly watching you. Your favorite KPOP group, a motivational cat in a flannel shirt and glasses, or perhaps even the all-seeing eyes of Ariana Grande.
• Buy a ton of air fresheners. Nothing perks you up more than taking a deep whiff of straight apples and cinnamon first thing in the morning, lads. Nothing can knock you down when you’re smelling a Renuzit brand tropical sunrise. Nothing can stand in your way when you’re inhaling the scent of fresh linens or a spritz of Gain scented Febreeze. Nihilism, who?
• Invest in a thick blanket and comfy clothing. This fall, it’s all about being the comfiest bitch in town. Who cares about looking “nice?” Death is coming; grab your comfiest pair of sweatpants and your warmest down blanket as you thoughtfully write your will ahead of the inevitable heat death of society. Sometimes you just need to wear pajamas to class, wear sweatpants to the store, and then sit in bed with no pants at all because, you know, that’s just how it is right now! That’s okay! Anyone who says otherwise is a hater who wants to wreck your vibe.
• Vacuum or dust. Fine dust particulates are so un-fetch. Not fetch? Non-fetch? Non-Feetch? Whatever. They suck hardcore. Vacuum or dust those suckers away so you can litter every flat surface you’ve got with your thousands of collectible action figures, you weirdo.
• Boxes on boxes on boxes of tissues. Have you ever reached over for just one more tissue when you’ve had your fifth stress cry of the week? Solve the problem by buying more tissues. Pro-Tip: Buy one more box than you think you’ll use for whatever reason you need tissues. There is nothing less life-affirming than having to scrounge for a used tissue only to find it covered in something gross that definitely didn’t come from you.

Of course, the most important thing for anyone getting up in their own feelings this fall in the light of only a laptop and an outdoor street lamp is―and it cannot be stressed enough―condoms to fill with semi-liqueous materials to throw at stuff. (A great idea would be a lukewarm pumpkin spice latte that had just a bit too much whipped cream, or the guts of a recently carved pumpkin.) Because, let’s face it, sometimes when you’re alone and feeling destructive the best option is to fill a Trojan with something warm and unpleasant and just watch it combust on contact with a hard surface.