*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor
By Andrew Hayes
Like all Lewis & Clark students at one point or another, freshman Billy Santers found himself in a rut of self-contempt and existential angst after reading too much Plato. He began at LC with no friends because a rumor was spread that he listens to the “Top 40” playlist on Spotify. He spent his first week alone and crying to Demi Lovato because things are just so difficult and because someone in his Exploration & Discovery class told him that he isn’t unique. This was the beginning of Santers’s journey to self-discovery.
It all started when Santers walked into the most recent frisbee party alone and hesitantly complimented the tattoo of self-proclaimed Lewis & Clark icon, Miracle Flowerchild ’21, whom he recognized from his English class.
“I like the microwave on your left thigh,” Santers said. Flowerchild is a sophomore on campus who has been doing ameteur Stick-n-pokes for a year and a half. She currently has 27 tattoos, some of which including communist iconography, anti-religious sentiments, and kitchen appliances. Santers found her largest piece, a detailed depiction of the father of Communism copulating with an oven, deeply inspiring
Upon returning to campus, Santers decided it was time to create a new image for himself that is unique in the same way all LC students are unique. He sought out Flowerchild to receive a tattoo of his own.
“This is what will set me apart from all the rest,” Santers said. He proceeded to pay Flowerchild 40 dollars and a Yerba Mate for a tattoo of what he thought was a Greco-Roman acronym and mantra, “YOLO.”
However, Santers did admit that he was nervous about his first tattoo.
“I was a little skeptical when I found out she was going to be using a rusty nail and pen,” Santers said. “But then she told me that it was safe so I had no more questions.” Some believe that making rash and dangerous decisions such as getting tattooed by a rusty nail is ill-advised, but Santers has a different point of view.
“I am already thinking about ideas for my next tattoo,” he said. “I think getting ‘good vibes’ on my cheek would be pretty cool. My doctor thinks it might be a bad idea though. He told me I caught some kind of flu or something. ”
Upon receiving his stick-and-poke, Santers began making new friends and truly found his home at LC, despite his rough start.
“I truly feel like I belong here now that I have ink,” Santers said. “I really feel like I am my own individual and unique person who cannot be labeled or grouped with the rest of the school; I fit in!”
LC had tested Santers, but he tested positive, through his transformation, for tetanus and hepatitis. His tattoo gave him the opportunity to feel different. His original design, dark urine, jaundice, and lockjaw guarantee that there will never be another LC student as extraordinary as he.