International Affairs Symposium invites Satan

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “humor”

By Mo Macsai-Goren

In a dramatic unveiling last week, the coordinators for Lewis & Clark’s 56th annual International Affairs symposium selected famed LC alumnus Satan ’10 as Saturday night’s keynote speaker. This year’s symposium is titled: “The Scramble for Sovereignty: Modern Challenges to an Age-old Construct.” Students were notified via The Bark while each faculty member received a note, handwritten in blood from the fiery depths of hell. While this decision has already sparked controversy around campus, the symposium coordinators hope it will be an educational and informative experience for all.

“We just wanna hear what Satan has to say,” coordinator Savannah Norris ’19 said. “We think Satan might have some really insightful ideas regarding sovereignty issues. He’s had plenty of sovereignty issues over the last couple thousand years.” Norris is, of course, referring to the ongoing sovereignty disputes between Hell and Gary, Indiana. In the few days since the announcement, many students have voiced their support for the keynote speaker.

“Just to play Devil’s advocate, I’m stoked they got him to come this year,” The Worst Guy In Each One Of Your Classes ’17 said. “It’s subversive as hell. We should provide a platform for all kinds of opinions and I’m excited to hear what the little dude has to say.” Upon referring to Satan as “little dude,” this student’s skin spontaneous turned inside out before bursting into flames and disappearing forever.

While most students are indifferent about this on-campus event, some have been quite vocal about voicing their disapproval for the high-profile keynote speaker.

“This is an outrage,” Chelsea DiSpongo ’18 said. “I can’t believe LC would expose us to anything like this. It’s problematic and sets a dangerous precedent. I’m still less mad than when Jessica Vaughn came, though.”

Booking Satan has proven to be a logistical nightmare. In addition to costing LC it’s budget for the next few years and the soul of the freshman with the lowest G.P.A., Satan has requested the cross on the Agnes Flanagan Chapel be turned upside down as well as filling the reflection pool with boiling rust for the next thousand years. Some students have been pretty vocal about whether or not this event is worth the trouble.

“I’m honestly just surprised we had that kind of money,” Lucy Ferrara ’21 said. “LC isn’t going to be the most beautiful campus in the country after the whole thousand-years-of-rust thing so I hope it’s worth it.”

This will be Satan’s first time returning to campus since graduating in the spring of 2010 as an International Affairs major with a minor in Eternal Damnation. Satan is expected to cover issues such as establishing borders, the complexities of international sovereign law and what it is like to be the leader of an infinite, undead army of the damned. There will also be a Q & A session after the event.

The IA symposium keynote will take place on April 10 at 7:30 p.m. to LC students and faculty only. Members of the public wishing to attend will be respectfully declined at the door. Those wishing to protest may do so peacefully by following last year’s protocol of students screaming into a megaphone that does not work while being adamant that they are making a difference.