If you have been keeping up with bulletin boards around campus, you might have noticed a new poster for “Stuffie at College Support.”
Surprisingly, this is not a group focused on autumn congestion relief. It was created by and for stuffed animals who have made the challenging journey from the closet in a childhood home to the space between a white brick wall and a crinkly dormitory bed. Due to rising curiosity about the nature and impact of this new campus group, The Mossy Log has hired local stuffie medium and interpreter ~xxfluffies.uwu.003~ to assist in interviewing members.
“For too long, our struggles have been elbowed aside, drowned out by moaning and creaking,” said SACS co-organizer Spot G. “It’s high time we stepped up to the headboard and shared our voices. I see a campus in which stuffed animals and other soft toys are given the respect they deserve. That’s what these meetings are about. We don’t just talk through what it’s like to be under a damp lower back for seven and a half minutes, we also work on solutions together.”
Spot S., an early member of the group, added, “I was so relieved to hear that others were struggling too. It’s like a 143-pound weight was lifted off my heart. This started as a safe place to share, but it’s become so much more. We have our new joint Stuffie/Sexile proposal, plus the window walkouts.”
The members of SACS have met with the Sexiles of LC student group, an obvious coupling of organizations with similar wants and needs. SACS is encouraging sexiles to take any stray stuffies with them, saving their inert friends from further trauma.
Seymour Butts ’26 attended these negotiations but found the demands of SACS unreasonable.
“I can’t possibly bring all fifteen of my roommate’s Squishmallows with me to Watzek,” said Butts. “I want to help them, but it’s just not feasible.”
Not all of the campus stuffies are on board with SACS either.
“I like to watch,” said Theodore E. Bear, a stuffie who is a notable anti-SACS dissident at LC. “It’s hot. Squish me. I don’t care. My human has three partners, and is cheating on them with a fourth person. It rocks. I don’t get what everybody’s mad about. Nobody better move me off the bed when the action starts. No way.”
Much of the curiosity about SACS has stemmed from the widespread defenestration of stuffed animals on the residential side of campus.
“This is technically littering, but we don’t have the heart to throw them away,” new Campus Safety director Erik Jameson said. “Our lost-and-found space is full. We had to ask Watzek’s archives if they have room.”
Mr. Labyblub, a member of SACS who was recently found in a pile of cigarette butts near Copeland, explained the trend.
“We call them window walkouts,” said Labyblub. “We realized we could just leave when they’re not looking. It’s like Toy Story. Have you ever seen that movie? The one with the rock-hard cowboy? Yeah. It’s like Toy Story except we’re jumping out of windows because of sex.”
The school’s protest policy does not account for acts of rebellion by inanimate objects, so it is possible the owners of the stuffies will be held culpable. That being said, the recent expansion of the protest policy to include “all members” of the LC community rather than just students has raised concerns among members of SACS.
“That’s the point of it,” Duchess Snuggles, the second co-organizer of SACS, said. “They think they can just forget us? There are gonna be consequences for that. We’ll see who’s laughing when they have to write a short letter of apology.”
Grammybear, a Build-A-Bear featuring the voice of a student’s relative, chimed in about her own harrowing experience.
“I love you, sweetie,” she said.
~xxfluffies.uwu.003~ burst into tears during the interview and refused to translate her statement.
“These stuffies have been through a lot. They need all the support they can get, and I’m happy to help make that space for them,” said Ritch Meyes, faculty advisor for SACS.
For stuffed animals or other soft toys interested in joining SACS, meetings are held daily at midnight in the small offshoot of the tunnels about halfway between Olin and Watzek. Free imaginary snacks are provided.
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