Oftentimes I see freshmen make the same naive mistakes I did when I was their age and personally, it pisses me off. Some of you clearly need some advice, so after my years of trials and tribulations, here I am.
Firstly, why are all of you walking to class? Your professors are literally giving you life-changing information, and you think it is acceptable to slowly promenade to class? No! You should be sprinting across campus! It will do two things. First, it will show your classmates that you really care about your studies, which will garner you great honor and respect among your peers. The second and more important thing this does is show your professors how dedicated you are. If you show up for class panting, sweating your ass off and smelling like BO you are bound to get an A, trust me.
Another thing I see which really pisses me off is all of the empty backpacks around campus. Where are your books?! If your backpack is not literally filled to the brim, seams near-bursting, then you are not ready for class. And anyways, another benefit of carrying a big backpack is that when you need to clear a path you can just use it as a battering ram and clear a path in those crowded halls!
Another must-know tip which I impart to you is that you NEED to show up to class absolutely stoned. Here is why. You are much, much, smarter when you are blasted-off-your-ass high. If you are really a dedicated student, you need to be showing up to every class three bowls in at minimum. Bonus points if you smell dank or smoky; you actually get 2% grade increases on final exams for showing up with bright red eyes. Eye drops? Not on this campus!
In addition to this, you have got to go to your midterms and finals as high as you can manage. And if all that was not enough, you can really boost your grades if you write (and edit!) your essays high. Do not even bother to bring them to the Writing Center or have a friend look over them before you turn them in. You do not need them, you only need the epiphanic thoughts that creep into your mind while you are ascending above this mortal realm.
NOTE: You can replace weed with any substance which alters your state of mind, but in my personal experience, the best combination is five bowls and two nips of tequila before every 1 hour class — I am personally too high right now to convert the numbers for you if your class is longer than an hour but I believe in you and have confidence you will find a good balance.
Finally, the most important thing that you can do as a freshman to gain admiration from your classmates and professors is to sit up front in every class and talk as much as you can, even if you have nothing to add to the conversation. Most importantly, speak as loudly as you possibly can. You have to make sure that you dominate not just every single class discussion, but every single conversation that takes place in the room. If you can do this, you will show both your classmates and professors that you are the most intellectually and emotionally intelligent person in the classroom.
If someone is having a conversation and you are not a part of it, you must butt in and correct them on something. Never mind if they look annoyed, or if the conversation is about something personal. They are in your classroom, they are yours to educate.
To touch on the volume comment, it is absolutely essential that everyone in the class hears you loud and clear. If you cannot hear your voice echoing off the walls, you are not speaking loudly enough. In fact, you do not even need to raise your hand to talk in class if you follow all of this advice. If you show up to class smelling disgusting with a massive backpack and stoned out of your mind, you can just shout out whatever random thoughts pop into your head, even if they are completely unrelated to the class discussion.
I know these ideas might seem out there, but trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have been smoking weed daily before sprinting to class for multiple years at this point and my brain has ascended. I am no longer of this realm. I am beyond all of you. And I mean to impart my wisdom unto you before leaving this plane of existence behind as my ascension completes. Trust me, these tips will make you the most popular and academically successful freshman on campus.
Leave a Reply