Has the past week of New Student Orientation burnt you out? Have you stretched yourself so thin that your social bandwidth closely resembles the finicky phyllo pastry dough best enjoyed in the widely appreciated Persian delicacy of baklava? Are you searching for ways to effectively scare off your unfortunate acquaintances? Or, even better, are you looking to weed out potential friends, get to the root of it and identify who is deserving of your time?
If so, thank whatever supreme deity you worship for this comprehensive friend-vetting guide, brought to you by first-rate insights given by three of Lewis & Clark’s finest experts on all matters social.
Jenna Tolls ’25, a SOAN major, suggests that a simple game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” may do wonders in the pursuit of weeding out potential friends.
“Sexual gut reactions are very telling,” Tolls says, pausing to sip her homemade kombucha. “What a person finds attractive speaks volumes about their character. When assigned the task of deciding the fate of three hypothetical lives, our innermost desires are unearthed. At the end of the day, who we want to fuck defines us, spiritually, emotionally and holistically.”
If you heed Tolls’ advice, let us suggest the three candidates to be LC’s namesake Merriweather Lewis, your NSO peer mentor and any of the young versions of currently bangable politicians. Record your potential friends’ reactions and act accordingly.
Oliver Owens ’26, a theater major and a strong-voiced advocate for the unserious arts, proposes the idea of forming a group to perform at one of The Coop’s many open-mic nights. Whether you read a Notes app slam poem of dubious quality, deliver a dramatic rendition of your favorite song written by an “underground” indie artist who also happens to have over a million monthly listeners on Spotify or you merely come along to spectate and snap your fingers in an only mildly judgy show of support, getting involved on campus is a surefire way to determine who is deserving of your time.
“See who takes themselves too seriously,” Owens remarks. “Humor is the spice of life. When we invite the spirit of comedy to come inside us (so to speak), our lives are transformed.”
Comedy, of course, is the glue that binds us. Your friend group has to be the funniest on campus, so when you cheat out and project your shit-talking in the Bon, it echoes through the space and makes everyone not wearing headphones fall madly in love with you.
“If no one in your friend group has never said the words, ‘We should start a podcast’ at least once, are you even friends?” asks JorJor Well ’26, an English and RHMS double major. “Like, our 3 KPH listeners love us.”
If you and your NSO acquaintances have enough flow that you no longer need to rely on questionable icebreakers to hold dialogue, congratulations! You are taking the first steps toward podcast making. The real key to podcast success is not finding numerous topics to discuss, it is in the ability to talk for hours on end, even if nothing of substance is ever being uttered. Oftentimes, the best judgment of compatibility is to analyze how much conversational chemistry is in the cocktail of friendship.
“Podcasters are the backbone of 21st century social thought,” Well says. “There is no other form of entertainment more worthy of praise. So grab your friends, snatch some microphones and buckle up, bitches.”
Remember: YOU are the hot commodity. If you and your NSO partner fail to match each other’s freak, cut them off using the social guillotine! Feel free to test people’s competence in whichever way you feel is most appropriate, and do NOT be afraid to be at least a tad bit unsettling.
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