Being the editor-in-chief of a prestigious newspaper such as The Mossy Log comes with many benefits: Access to school records and archives, responding to every single email ever sent out since the invention of emails, an office which is too hot and too cold at the same time, $13 to 15 worth of take out every other Wednesday and staying awake until 6 a.m. fixing every tiny mistake made by supposedly qualified staff. However, these sweet perks do not include eternal collegiate life.
“When I realized I was graduating from Lewis & Clark, I also realized I had to relinquish my role to someone else,” President Editor-in-Chief of The Mossy Log Mars said.
Despite plans to reclaim their title, LC fumbled these plans even though the college loves student journalism.
“I had immediately planned on re-enrolling to the school of course in order to continue my reign,” they said. “I mean how could I give up my baby is what I said, however LC wouldn’t let me and said I had to continue on to grad school.”
This decision has also been contentious among the editorial board members.
“We have all been totally in favor of their Royal Highness staying on,” said our Backdoor Editor, who has been in witness protection since an article a few issues back got a single angry comment. “None of us want to do the amount of work they do – at least, I have no desire to do it.”
Grand Master Mars commissioned me, an anonymous member of The Mossy Log editorial board, to create a documentary (in the style of “The Office” or “Spinal Tap”) to capture their greatness during their last remaining weeks of their reign, dominion, supremacy, rule.
When sitting in J.R. Howard room 135 at 5 p.m., when and where we have our contributor meetings — please come — I had recorded two editors from the features and arts sections jokingly riffing on how they would beat Lord Mars in a fight, referencing our last viral Mossy Log TikTok about what section would win in a fight.
I later showed this footage to our Supreme Commander Mars, whose face grew dark with a stormy rage. Before storming away in their platform Crocs they gave me Tuesday off, and departed muttering about calls they had to make. Something about members of Gagged, doing makeup for tribute interviews.
When I entered The Mossy Log room to film our legendary layout for posterity, as I could not miss a second of the hours-long ordeal, The Overlord Mars said they had an announcement to make.
“It has come to my attention that some of you plan on staging a coup to overthrow me,” General of the Mossy Log Mars said. “So I have decided to host a Hunger Games. I have sent a WhenIsGood in the Slack . Please answer by 10 p.m. tonight so I can get it set up. I have also taken out a full page ad in Features, so we are going to have to put three articles online only.”
Looks of horror and disbelief were abundant throughout the room.
“Listen when I was talking about it with Features Editor Maria Martinez-Hernandez we were just kidding, I didn’t think King Mars would take it seriously!!!” Arts Editor F Jrank said. As a freshman, he still had to learn that actions had consequences.
“I mean listen, do I think it would be funny? Yes. Do I think I could kill everyone with my good looks, charm and amazing visual editing skills? Also yes,” Larry David said. As a senior, he had decided that consequences were no longer real for him.
After reviewing the WhenIsGood, it was decided that the event will be held for exactly 23 minutes on Friday during reading days because that is the only time anyone had available before finals.
“I think the scheduling issues had a lot to do with me,” Posie Sugarwomann said. “I also do speech, theater, improv, work and in my free time I volunteer to feed kittens. I really feel bad!”
I, finally, breaking my documentarian integrity of not showing bias asked Supreme Ruler of the Universe Mars “why” to which I got the response:
“If my staff cannot handle the uber instincts of my uber mental illness, they do not deserve the awesome power of The Mossy Log,” they said.