The Kama Sutra is a legendary text, famous for its graphic descriptions of adventurous and contortionist sex positions. The text actually goes much farther, telling a holistic tale of a healthy sex life, including courtship, marital duties, forgiveness and proper conduct.
How can we make use of this third century Hindu text as twenty-first century college students? Perhaps in the pursuit of a well-rounded liberal arts education, we should look beyond the constraints of our place and time and turn to the classics for inspiration.
Here, I humbly present a modernized repackaging of ancient wisdom: The Dorm Room Kama Sutra, 100% guaranteed to get you laid this Valentine’s Day.
Reel ’em in
Perhaps an underappreciated part of a love story is making sure you pick the right partner to pursue. Make sure you have something in common other than sitting next to each other in your most boring class.
Ask them on a Dovecote date. Be sure to go right at 11:10 a.m. on a Tuesday so that you can awkwardly wait in line for 45 minutes just to get to the counter and find out they ran out of oatmilk. You could take the opportunity to invite them to your dorm room – YOU never run out of oatmilk.
Make it official
The all important exclusivity question. In any healthy relationship, it is important that both parties are on the same page with their desires and boundaries.
You, of course, would rather go with the flow than telling your situationship you would rather they not sleep with every other person in your Econ study group.
Still, communication is key. If all else fails, give them an ultimatum. Something classic and reasonable, like holding their supply curves hostage or threatening suicide.
Get in the mood
You stalked them on Instagram, learned the difference between sociology and social psychology and kicked out your roommate, all for this. But the moment has to be just right.
Talk to each other. Whisper, perhaps sweet nothings or “Did I lock the door?” once every few minutes.
Consider bringing academics into the bedroom. Personally, nothing gets me going quite like detailed and constructive feedback on a first draft of a research paper. Add in a heartfelt “good job” if you are feeling extra naughty.
Gone are the days of the Spotify sex playlist. With analog music coming back into fashion, have a designated sex vinyl record that you have to get up every 20 minutes to change out – edging with a vintage flair.
In lieu of candles, which are prohibited from dorms, turn on those colored LEDs. Flood the room in red lighting that walks the line of sensuality and nuclear bomb shelter. Everyone who can see into your window will know that you do, indeed, have sex.
The big finish
Ok, ok. The moment you’ve all been waiting for: the sex positions, optimized for a twin XL bed. Rather than detailed descriptions of sex acts (my mom reads these, you perverts), here are some tried-and-true dorm room sex positions, reviewed by students like you.
The Overflow Triple
- “My partner and I did not really want the third there, but the RA said we had to so we made it work. Surprisingly, everything ended up fitting, but just barely.”
The Remodeled Templeton
- “It took forever to finish, and I can never decide which entrance has the easiest access.”
The House Show
- “It is super loud and sweaty, and you really have to go to the bathroom the whole time. Also – very rough on the knees.”
The 8 a.m.
- “I got up for this?”
- “It is a lot slower and bumpier than you would like, but it gets the job done and looks great doing it. Everyone loves riding the Pio.”
- “Boning makes me feel awful inside, but I do not really have any other options. You get used to that feeling in your stomach, but not the other people standing around.”
There you have it. Use the wisdom well and make your debaucherous predecessors proud. Happy Valentine’s Day, from all of us at The Mossy Log, you freaks.