ANYONE WHO has been on the Lewis & Clark campus this school year will have noticed fundamental changes. Yes, half of the campus is under construction, and another third seems to be blocked off. Yes, Maggie’s Cafe is gone, and has been replaced with an abandoned café at the location of Maggie’s. Yes, the newspaper formerly known as The Pioneer Log is now called The Mossy Log. (Okay, you probably did not notice that one.) But the most notable change that has come over our campus is in the sheer number of slugs. At this moment, no matter where you are on campus, there is probably at least 10 pounds of slug within 10 feet of you. You think, of course, there have always been slugs at LC. But have there ever been this many?
It is not just you. When the hotly-anticipated 2022 edition of the US News & World Report College Slug Ranking came out last week, it was revealed that LC had jumped 17 spots in the “Slug Density” category, sitting at number two nationwide with an average of 1.4 SPF (slugs per foot). The only campus to beat us in this regard was University of California, Santa Cruz, where the mascot is literally a slug. Meanwhile, LC took the top spot in “Average Slug Mass,” with the average slug on our campus tipping the scales at a whopping 11 ounces.
LC also led the nation in slugs per student, with an estimated 46 slugs inhabiting our campus for every one student. 46 whole slugs! Next time you are in the Bon, imagine that instead of food, every student has a plateful of 46 slugs. That is how many slugs there are on this campus.
A math major, who declined to give their name out of fear that they would be outed as a math major, used math to attempt to explain the rapid increase in the slug population.
“See, once you have a few slugs that are reproducing, pretty soon you have a lot more slugs,” they said, pointing to some kind of grid with a curving line across it. “This is called exponential growth. If nothing reduces the number of slugs, the number of slugs keeps growing faster the more slugs there are. At this rate, the slug population on campus should double every two weeks. Better invest in some salt.”
The author of this column remembers learning about exponential growth in high school, and they are pretty sure it had to do with math, not slugs. But The Mossy Log has decided to give this math major the benefit of the doubt, since none of us have the means to disprove them.
At the very least, they are right about one thing: The slugs are reproducing. In public. In broad daylight.
“The number of students who have come in seeking counseling after they saw two romantically entangled slugs has shot through the roof this year,” said School Counselor Brenda Gruzzly. “We had to start an entire support group.”
The Slug Sex Support Group meets twice a week at the former site of Maggie’s, since it certainly is not being used for anything else.
All else aside, nobody seems to know why there are so many slugs on campus this year.
“I have no idea. Must be the weather?” said the vice president for student life.
“There are the same amount of slugs as ever. You must be seeing things,” said the dean of the college of arts and sciences.
“It’s a secret,” said the head of facilities.
“I think I know,” said the president. “But revealing it would violate the terms of the NDA we have with the slugs.”
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