Illustration by Greta Burton

Pent up students reveal new hot, steamy studying strategy

With the end of the spring semester quickly approaching, a thick barrier stands between students and the downtime they so rightly deserve: finals. Thanks to the combined efforts of nearly the entire student body, the impenetrable wall has had a few more holes poked through it.

What is the weapon with which the student body aims to conquer finals? Post-Nut Clarity. Students have harnessed physiology and their bodies to improve test scores. 

Directly following ejaculation, there is a short period of time, normally around five to ten minutes (although the record is 45 minutes) where a person’s mental faculties are heightened. Problem solving, critical thinking and the ability to theorize and philosophize all increase by a significant factor within this window. Following sexual intercourse or masturbation, those who experience post-nut clarity have reported having thoughts such as: “Why did I do that?” “I know I’m better than this,” or “I can’t believe I got turned on by silly string, party hats and a five gallon tub of pumpkin pie filling…” However, when used as a tool or supplement taken directly before exams, it has been shown to boost test scores by up to 25%. 

The news of success swept through the student body with vast numbers of students trying the new technique out before midterms this semester, including Iván Goodhead ’22. 

“Before I used the technique I would stay up all night racked with stress and by the time I’d actually pick up my pen to write my nerves would be just about shot,” Goodhead said. “Now I’ve never been so relaxed while taking a test in my life.”

Mike Litóris ’23, another student in support of post-nut-clarity, denied claims that the phenomenon is a recent development.

“I’ve actually been doing this since my times table quizzes,” Litóris said. “I’m glad it’s finally caught on. It’s probably the only reason I did decently on the SAT to be honest, those mandatory ten minute breaks, man.”

The buzz surrounding post nut clarity as a test-taking tool has not been contained to the student body alone. Many professors and administrators have caught wind, to varying reactions. Some professors have embraced it as just another studying technique, akin to downing multiple energy pills and pulling all nighters in a caffeinated study rage. 

Professor of English Marilyn Park is one such professor committed to allowing this new study method in her classes going forward.

“I, personally, see no issue with its integration into students’ workflows,” Park said. “Though I think the term ‘post-nut clarity’ is a tad too crude for the classroom. In my classes I’ve proposed the alternative term: ‘post-ejaculatory mental stimulation,’ which my students seem to resonate with.”

Several other professors and administrators were not happy with this new fad. Dean Jack Inghoff recently gave a several-hour-long press conference during which every time he seemed to reach a crescendo, he allowed himself a moment’s break to calm back down before resuming, only to repeat the process six or seven more times before finally allowing himself to finish.  

“The use of ‘post-ejaculatory mental stimulation’ as a performance enhancement in the classroom gives an unfair advantage to the students who decide to use it,” Inghoff said.

Members of the community  against the use of ‘post-ejaculatory mental stimulation’ have been quick to cite religious opposition and asexuality. 

“There are many students on campus who are unwilling to do it so flippantly based on religious beliefs or who simply are not interested in sex, effectively excluding a large population of students from a tool that might help them. There’s no feasible way to make ‘post-ejaculatory mental stimulation’ an all-inclusive part of our students’ workflows, so we have no choice but to ban its use entirely,” Inghoff said. 

Inghoff also hit on the issue of accessibility and equality at LC.

“The administration here at LC places accessibility high on the list of priorities, and we pride ourselves on our ability to provide equal tools and opportunities to all our students. The banning of this practice is an extension of that desire,” Inghoff said.

The outcry from students has been frantic and desperate, as if all their moms had collectively typed the letter “p” onto their Google search tab after leaving them alone on date night.

“This isn’t over,” a student who wished to be anonymous said. “Post nut clarity was and is my lifeline. Without it, I’d still be dumpster diving in southern Utah. I have no intention of stopping.”

In an effort to stop pre-test masturbation, residential students will each be given a wrist-attached monitoring device which will detect and alert the administration should a student’s heart rate exceed a certain number of beats per minute. Inghoff ensured its efficacy and low chance of yielding a false positive by claiming “nothing else exciting happens on campus, so we’re quite confident that any raised heart rate will be a student cheating.” 

Students caught masturbating will face censure by both the boards of academic integrity and student conduct.

The restrictions and subsequent practices were heavily criticized, citing both a “gross invasion of privacy,” and an “infringement on personal rights.” 

“It’s my job to make sure no one has unfair advantages over other students so this is what we’re doing, no ifs, ands, or butts,” Inghoff said.

The ban went into effect April 1 and will continue ad infinitum. Now students are left wondering just how they will scrape by come this semester’s finals week.

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