Illustration by Alex Nash

New president leads to  satire content shortage

Tim Weasel. How dare you?! Look, we had so many good times together, you and I. As a Backdoor writer, I so greatly enjoyed your tenure as president of Lewis & Clark. You gave us so much rich material. Every time we as a staff came together to pitch pieces, you were one of our favorite topics! We held you so fondly in our hearts. Every chance we had to put you in an article, we did. “Board Votes to Euthanize LC President?” Classic.

So you must forgive me if I thought we had a deal. We all knew that you were stepping down. What we did not know is you were going to stab us in the back(door). Because now, you have made your true colors known. We need to talk about it.

Dr. Sparrow Houses-Gilbert has been named the 26th president of LC. She is our college’s first Black president, first woman president and first queer president. She has had 28 years in college administration and is a licensed clinical psychologist. Her jacket game is on point – we have loved the plain neutrals, Tim, but I must admit it is time for texture and pattern. 

This is all great, sure, but now my fellow writers and I have a huge problem: We do not know how to make fun of her.

Yes, that is correct. A career administrator that is so cool that I really have no idea what I can say to mock her. She is outdoorsy, she travels and she has been featured in Ebony Magazine. She even rides a Harley! Like, the motorcycle. 

Gone are the days in which I can bully out of touch bureaucrats or take advantage of the school’s hapless head in our gentle mocking. What are we going to do? No out-of-touch school initiatives, no more attempted infiltration of the Backdoor editorial staff (the fake mustache did not work as well as you thought it did, Weasel), no more diversity campaigns at the behest of old white men. I cannot even quote her defending Fields Dining Hall food — she is a cook!

I thought, after how nice we have been to you all these years, you could have done us a solid, Tim. Timmy. Timsy-boy. Is there no way you could have appointed a bow-tie wearing, 60-year-old, unseasoned career administrator? I feel like they are not hard to find. 

I could have written articles about this hypothetical, white bread Boomer 26th president until the proverbial cows came home. Instead, I am going to … have to … be creative. I did not come to write for a satire section just to have to be clever and deep! You infuriate me. You have betrayed me! Worse — you have betrayed the social institution that has always had your back. I trusted you, Tim. Shame on you.

To Dr. Houses-Gilbert, remember, we are on the hunt for new content.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

AlphaOmega Captcha Classica  –  Enter Security Code