Illustration by Zachary Reinker

Templeton Remodel to add Labyrinth, Minotaur

In recent weeks, there has been a lot of discussion on Lewis & Clark’s campus regarding future plans for Templeton Campus Center. The building serves as a significant hub of student life, housing two dining locations as well as many student-run organizations. As a result, the student body has many questions — for instance, what will the remodeled building look like? How will it affect daily routines? And, of course, there is the big question on everyone’s mind: Will it be able to house the Minotaur?

For those unfamiliar, it has been an eventful week on Palatine Hill. Last Tuesday, an inspiring collaboration between the classics and biology departments yielded a resurrected incarnation of none other than the fearsome beast of legend, part man, part bull, who promptly began to ravage the undergraduate campus.

“We created him in a tube,” Lucas Kramer ’22 said. “He was grown from a tuft preserved in the Watzek Archives, and we already fear what we have created. Hopefully, the new building will be able to imprison him in his gruesome power.” 

Kramer speaks in reference to the Templeton remodel, which has been hastened as a result of these troubling events. After being captured by Campus Safety and an entourage of student athletes, the Minotaur was placed in the heart of Templeton, where it now resides until further notice, restrained with bungee cords and fed via a system of chutes from Fields Dining Hall.

“We don’t have the resources to bring him seven men and seven maidens every nine years like they did in the old days,” Mavis Roberts, an employee working in food service, said. “So we’ve been giving the guy leftover Bon chicken. We dread the day he breaks free of his bonds and clambers up the chute to destroy us, but hey, every job has its pros and cons.”

In terms of the changes the building itself will undergo, plans include a complex system of secret passageways, dead ends and long, unyielding hallways with naught but a single flickering bulb to light them. The building is also set to be renamed to the Templeton Campus Centaur in accordance with its refreshed mythological theme. Despite these modifications, students can rest assured that the building will still feel like home.

“I was worried it wouldn’t feel like the good old campus center I know anymore,” Theo Seaus ’23 said. “But last Tuesday, when I was looking for the College Outdoors office, I somehow ended up facing a hideous creature with the body of a lion, the head and breast of a woman, and eagle’s wings upon her back. She asked me something about a guy who walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon, and three in the evening. I said, what? Then she asked me for my mailbox code, which I obviously don’t know.”

Seaus said that he was only able to escape thanks to the convenient ball of thread he keeps on him at all times, which was tied to the entrance. “Just regular Templeton stuff. If anything, the furious bellowing of the bull creature in the distance just added to the ambiance.” 

In light of the Minotaur’s presence, students have begun petitioning to make the creature the school’s new mascot, even putting forward a proposition to change the slogan to ‘Roll Minos!’ However, the idea was vetoed due to the Minotaur’s outrage at the unintentional reference to the very Cretian king who originally imprisoned him. 

“You know, we’re all learning,” Seaus said. “It just goes to show that change isn’t always something to be afraid of. In the end, I think we’ll all be the better for it.”

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