Inspiring: White guy still wearing shorts

Illustration by Sofia Reeves

As November draws to a close, the weather is getting colder and colder. Many students bustle around campus bundled up in heavy jackets, hats, gloves and long pants. However, one man strives to set himself apart from the rest. Eddie Bauer ’24 in particular has been spotted on campus wearing knee-length khaki shorts and a polo shirt. 

“Yeah, I don’t get why everyone else is so cold,” Bauer said. “It’s not even that bad. I can hardly feel it.” 

LC students have come out of dorm room hibernation in droves to show their support for Bauer, displaying signs bearing messages such as “You can do this!,” “You’re cooler than a Bon sausage!” and “Have my babies Eddie!”

While most of us normal people get really cold at this point in the year, Bauer, seems to be much less affected by the frigid weather than anyone else. When asked about this curious phenomenon, Bauer only responded with “I guess I’m just built different.” 

Indeed he is. Not many of us could do what he does on a daily basis. His most harrowing feat yet is set to happen on Dec. 7. Temperatures are supposed to dip below freezing, and Bauer has prepared a new and exciting outfit to brave the cold: a dashing, navy collared shirt with the season’s latest off-white cargo shorts. 

It has been a long time since we have all had someone to unite behind. People are calling Bauer “the second coming” and “a modern Jesus.” 

“I don’t know how he does it,” Alexis Williams ’25 said. “God, I can only hope to be that strong and handsome one day.”

Bauer truly embodies the values of this renowned institution. A scholarship in his name is in the works, and it will be awarded to the future Chads who follow the trail that Bauer has blazed for all of us. 

During these bleak fall and winter months when the sun shows its face for only a few minutes, we may find ourselves becoming depressed and hopeless. To brighten our day, we can all look to Bauer for inspiration. Some may say that he is just a white man giving the bare minimum and that there are so many other important things to focus on. However, I say that this is the most important and influential story of our young lives. Bauer’s tale of unrelenting perseverance in the face of the cruel and oppressive forces of nature is a stark reminder for how we must carry on against all that life throws at us, and come out triumphant in the end.

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