Illustration by Amelia Madarang

Board approves vote to euthanize LC president

Last spring, an email that was sent out to the entire Lewis & Clark community that sent shockwaves as far as Sellwood. It announced that President Vim Veasel is to be euthanized at the conclusion of the Spring 2022 term.

“It’s very sad, but presidents just don’t live as long as people do,” said Vice-Dean Reese Pieces. “And Vim is getting old.  It’s no surprise; he’s over seventy in people years. But we’re making him as comfortable as we can. We’re taking him on lots of walks, and giving him all of his favorite treats. He’s even allowed to come up on the couch now.”

Vim Veasel arrived in 2017 as a spry young pup, full of motivation, passion for his work and a love for playing fetch. However, over the past four years, Veasel has begun to show his age. “He can’t run as fast as he used to,” an anonymous source close to the president told us, “and he whimpers all the time. Most nights, he barely touches his dinner.” 

And so, in a landmark decision endorsed by the entirety of the administration, a sad student body and a faction of long-suffering campus squirrels, Vim Veasel will be put down. 

Pieces then went on to talk about how the bridge reconstruction and the remodeling of Templeton and Fir Acres Theatre this year are only causing more damage to the local environment instead of helping preserve it. 

“Vim doesn’t really care about any of the things that matter to LC students,” said Pieces. “All he’s ever cared about is chasing the neighborhood cats around. But I guess it makes sense — you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” 

Veasel’s achievements include adding wet food to the Bon menu and banning all mailmen from campus.

“We just need a new face,” Joanna Sunderland ’25 said. “Maybe someone younger and sleeker. Like a German Shepherd or maybe a Border Collie.” 

Students are looking forward to the next president, who will ideally make the campus more environmentally friendly, tackle systemic issues of inequality, completely obliterate Reed College and add obedience training classes to the roster. 

“Anyone’s an upgrade from Vim,” Gwen Poole ’23 said. “He spent all the funding meant for functional mental health services on chew toys.”

It was also decided that the next president will not be living in the house in which Veasel currently resides. The sophomore class voted on the future of the land. Some students advocated for  “a cat hotel,” “a super bougie new smoke spot” and even “a lake. Yes, in the middle of the hill. I want a lake there. Or maybe a skate park.” In the end, the student body settled on a wildlife preserve, to be named in Veasel’s honor. 

“It seemed fitting,” said Poole. “He always loved chasing squirrels.” 

Juniors, seniors and faculty of the college had the responsibility of deciding where to put Veasel after his euthanization. Some believe that he should be buried by the old tree out back, next to grandpa. One student, Sen Ditt ’22, suggested that Veasel be taxidermied, displayed in a trophy case in Pamplin and paraded out during sporting events, “like a mascot.”

Veasel gave the following statement on his upcoming euthanization: “Bark bark bark. Growl. Grrr.”

Touching words from a cherished president. He will be missed.

Veasel gave the following statement on his upcoming euthanization: “Bark bark bark. Growl. Grrr.”

Touching words from a cherished president. He will be missed.

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