Welcome back orgy to be socially distanced

Due to COVID-19 concerns ASLC announces the annual night of hedonism will be masked, contact traced

Lewis & Clark’s annual Welcum Back Orgy (WBO) is a cherished school tradition that boasts a long and venerable past. However, COVID-19 spares no event, and this sensual soirée is not an exception. 

According to a statement released by Associated Students of Lewis & Clark (ASLC) on Sept. 19, this year’s orgy will be fully compliant with both Multnomah County and LC’s COVID precautions, but will still allow for plenty of debauchery, school spirit and toe sucking. All participants will have to pre-register for this unprecedented WBO. 

The form, which is allegedly for purposes of contact tracing, includes spots for the respondent’s name, email and phone number, but also includes mandatory questions asking if the respondent is a bottom, top or switch. The form also provides a spot for the respondent to list any kinks or fetishes they may have. So far, responses include bloodplay, testicular torture and femmedommes. Be sure to pre-register if you’re interested in this evening of excess!

Robbie Garcia ’23 described herself as apprehensive about the pre-registration process. 

“I just think one of the best things about the Welcum Back Orgy was how spontaneous it was. All this planning really turns me off,” Garcia said. 

Additionally, Danger shared concerns about ASLC members looking at her survey and making fun of the fact that she is into piss. While Danger considers herself sex-positive, she thinks that her interest in watersports in no one’s business but her own.

Another change to this year’s orgy is the venue. Traditionally, the WBO has been hosted in a vacant Forest quad. This year, it will be held in Fields Dining Hall, which brings new meaning to the dining hall’s nickname, the Bon. When I asked ASLC COVID-19 advisory board member Emma Louis-Klark ’24 about why anyone would think it is a good idea to hold the sex party in the same place food is prepared, she gave the following response. 

“LC is bracing for an unprecedentedly horny student body and the Bon is one of the few spaces big enough to accommodate a crowd of the size we expect,” Louis-Klark said. “Plus, remember those plexiglass meal dividers? We’re bringing them back, for those who want to participate in parallel play, but aren’t ready for actual physical contact yet.” 

When I asked Louis-Klark to elaborate on how exactly the barriers would be used to prevent COVID-19, considering that it is an airborne disease, she told me that ASLC had not quite figured that out yet, but that the plexiglass just made people feel safer.  

Dan McDaniels ’25 is extremely excited at the prospect of the orgy, and is hoping that his hot neighbor from down the hall also shows up. (Shawn from Copeland, if you see this, you know what you have to do). Even the mask requirement has not dampened McDaniels’ excitement. 

“Honestly, I’m not mad about the mask policy,” McDaniels said. “Most of the time, when I see someone’s whole face for the first time, they’re a lot less hot than when I can only see their eyes.” 

I asked McDaniels how he was planning on kissing any potential partners. 

“Kissing?” he asked. “What is this, 1800? I go straight for the nipples.” 

Even with these changes, the orgy is sure to be a (very) gay old time and a great chance for LC students of all ages, majors, and persuasions to get to know each other carnally. 

This reporter wishes you happy trails, and leaves you with a single last tip: do not confuse the complimentary hand sanitizer with the lube. Take it from me- that is not a mistake you will want to make more than once.

Illustration by Alex Nash