LC launches Hunger Games to cull oversized freshman class

Throughout the year, we have been hearing about the obscenely large freshman class. Phrases such as “Classzilla,” “Class Kong,” and “Freshmangeddon” have flown freely throughout the Lewis & Clark, as tidal waves of 18-year-olds crescendo. Many have expressed concerns that the campus was not meant to accommodate over 700 first year students. 

Preliminary data has shown that a shortage of dorm rooms has caused Copeland, by some dark magic, to become even more overpopulated than usual. Evans Auditorium has opened its sticky floors to excess students who do not have access to dorm space. Worst of all, it has become impossible to take a step in Fields Dining Hall without spilling food on someone’s lap or having an awkward “who-should-get-out-of-the-way” showdown.

“These concerns are not going unnoticed,” Dean of Students Pigeon Holmes said while sipping tea outside of Albany Quadrangle. “My department has collaborated with President Weevil to compose a comprehensive plan for reducing the strain Class Kong has placed on our other students and faculty. After considering many options, we believe we’ve arrived at the best alternative to — dare I say it? — outright unenrollment. It is with great pleasure that we present Lewis & Clark’s first ever Hunger Games.”

The Games are set to take place on the undergraduate campus on the first day of Fall Break. Holmes urges all upperclassmen and the freshmen who are not selected as tributes to vacate the campus by the initiation of The Games at noon. 

“God forbid any of our precious upperclassmen get caught in the crossfire,” Holmes said.

With the goal of reducing the freshman class by 40%, one tribute is to be selected from each freshman-containing dorm room. Roommates must decide amongst themselves who to send to The Games; suggested methods include drawing straws, duels to the death, cook-offs and selecting the most odorous roommate. All first years in singles will automatically be chosen. Resident Advisors will distribute contracts to each room to be filled out by the lucky contestant.

All tributes are required to arrive at Templeton Student Center at 11:30 a.m. The Games will officially begin at noon, at which point the doors to the Bon will be opened. An array of weapons will be on display for students to grab, including kitchen knives, rock-solid breadsticks, bloodthirsty newfoundlands, paper cups of distilled COVID-19, soy curls and flame-throwing skateboards. After choosing a weapon, contestants are free to move anywhere within the undergraduate campus.

Various other dangers will be introduced throughout the campus as The Games progress. While most of these are confidential, Holmes offered a sneak peek at a couple of hazards.

“Each residence hall will have its own little quirks,” Holmes said. “Forest, for example, will have acid running from the showers. Not hot acid, mind you. Cold acid. Copeland, meanwhile, will have fire alarms that go off at irregular intervals, at a volume guaranteed to rupture the eardrums of anyone within the building. We actually didn’t have to make any changes for that one.”

In order to incentivize entry into The Games, Holmes pledged that the victor will receive “the highest honor our budget allows,” which happens to be a battered $10 iTunes gift card, a voucher for ten minutes of free therapy and not one but two buildings renamed in the winner’s honor, on the condition that their last name is Howard.

When asked to comment on the Hunger Games’ introduction, Mark N. Jay ’23 winked. 

“As long as I can get a parking space, I don’t care how many freshmen have to die,” Jay said.

The few students harboring reservations about LC hosting a battle to the death have no chance of stopping it. First year students across campus will soon need to broach the awkward topic with their roommates about who to send to their inexorable demise. To all of our freshman readers. . . may the odds be ever in your favor.

Illustration by Sam Starks