An exploration into LC’s toughest major, RHMS

All across our campus, there is a plethora of students who pursue a Bachelor of Arts in the most prestigious degree on our campus: rhetoric and media studies (RHMS). As I and my fellow rhetors love to say, “Let’s unpack that!”

Oh me, oh my! The world of RHMS (pronounced phonetically as “rims”) awaits! Buckle in to discover the stores of cinematic treasures and the exhilarating rhetorical musings of Greek philosophers. If you have failed to meet the elusive creature that is the RHMS major, allow me to describe the life us scallywags lead. 

Upon rising each morning, every RHMS student is obligated by maritime law to recite every single word from the film “Citizen Kane.” After fulfilling this requirement, we zoom into our online classes, covering riveting topics such as “Mark Zuckerberg owns your digital soul,” and “Legitimate reasons to say ‘film’ instead of ‘movie.’” 

After class, the studious rhetor knows that the best RHMS job is a finished RHMS job! I like to propel into my assignments immediately after concluding class. It can be grueling to watch the entirety of a lengthy two-hour film, but alas, someone must uphold the academic standards of this institution. At this very moment, there are likely countless RHMS students watching a Tarantino film in their dorm, collectively bearing the weight of our college’s academic prestige squarely on their shoulders. Brava, comrades, brava. 

Assuredly, the STEM major does help in this fight, but I ask you fellow Pioneers, when will we stop looking at the Earth and start looking at ourselves? I mean science is great and all, but can a rocket capture the beauty that is “Donnie Darko?” I think not, dear reader, I think not. 

But I digress. While I love to point out how much I work on my RHMS jobs, I like to maintain humility, much like my favorite director, Orson Welles. Now, back to my schedule. After hard work comes hard play! I love to create films for my TikTok, which has been nominated for 11 Oscars. My first viral Tok, a 37-second shot of a lemon with a butt plug stuck into it, earned 74 million views. And no, I will not sign any autographs. 

Believe it or not, I still have time for non-film related activities, such as my medieval cross-stitching side hustle, and creating astrological charts for orphan’s pets. While film is no less than 95% of my personality, I like to diversify my interests to maintain my hipster status. I also enjoy combining my interests, such as my cross-stitched rendition of “The Irishmen.” I actually got tetanus from using actual needles from medieval Europe. I may have caught the bubonic plague as well, but if you want to learn more, you will  have to watch my upcoming documentary “Plagued by Passion,” next spring. 

 I hope this helped to illuminate the face behind the backbone of our campus. And never forget, dear Pioneers, Rosebud.